“WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO. THE CABLE GUY SAID HE WOULDN’T  BE HERE UNTIL BETWEEN NOON AND 5 PM ON QIAMYAH, THE DAY OF JUDGMENT … AND I DIDN’T WANT TO MISS OUT ON THE DANISH CARTOONIST CHANNEL.”

“RIGHT THERE UNDER OUR NOSE, WITHIN THE ACTUAL CITY LIMITS OF ISLAMABAD, THE FREAKING INDIANS WERE FILMING  A SEQUEL TO SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE.”

“HE WOULDN’T PASS THE BACKGROUND CHECKS BECAUSE OF HIS ALIEN STATUS, AND YOU DAMN WELL KNOW HE’D NEVER GET A WEAPON ANYWAY WITH THOSE REDNECKS RUNNING THE GUN SHOWS.”

“BY DUMPING BIN LADEN COMPLETELY INTO THE SEA, NOT ONLY DID OBAMA PASS ON WATERBOARDING THE WORLD’S MOST DANGEROUS TERRORIST, BUT HE GAVE BIN LADEN A CHANCE TO END UP AT PEARL HARBOR. ”

“IT TOOK THE BETTER PART OF TEN YEARS TO FINISH THIS MOST RADICAL OF RENOVATIONS …  AND THEN THE STUPID SONUVABITCH LETS THE WHOLE PLACE GET SHOT UP.”

“ACCORDING TO THESE HIGHLY-CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS, THE GOAL WAS NOT ONLY TO KEEP BIN LADEN AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM 72 VIRGINS, BUT TO LEAVE HIM IN A PLACE WHERE THERE WAS VIRTUALLY NO CHANCE OF INTERCOURSE IN THE AFTER-LIFE.”

“I AM IN FACT INVESTIGATING THE MOON LANDING. AFTER ALL, I NEVER HEARD OF ‘ASTRONAUT UNIVERSITY,’  THE MAN IN THE MOON NEVER SAID HE SAW ANY OF THESE SO-CALLED ASTRONAUTS, AND IF THEY DID ACTUALLY LAND ON THE MOON, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SWISS CHEESE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BRING HOME.”