“AND AS FOR THE TEEMING MASSES OF POOR EGYPTIAN PEOPLE, LET THEM EAT …  UNLEAVENED BREAD.”

“YOU’RE A PROUD AND GREAT PEOPLE WHOSE PHARAOH NOT ONLY WORKED OUT THE ISSUE OF HEBREW SLAVERY, BUT ALSO INVENTED THE CONDOM.”

“IT JUST MAKES ME ‘TEAR UP,’ TO KNOW THAT I GREW UP IN A COUNTRY THAT COULD MAKE AN ENTIRE FOREIGN COUNTRY ‘TEAR UP’.”

“I’LL NOT ONLY BE REACTIVATING THE INTERNET, BUT USING SOCIAL MEDIA TO  POST ALL MY BEATINGS, TORTURE, SHOOTINGS AND HOUSE ARRESTS.”

“WE STRONGLY CONDEMN ANY VIOLENCE AGAINST THE EGYPTIAN PEOPLE … BUT TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST,‘HOUSE ARRESTS‘ DON’T SEEM LIKE SUCH A BAD IDEA.”

“ACCORDING TO INSIDERS AT THE ILLINOIS APPELLATE COURT, IT WASN’T SO MUCH THAT EMANUEL HIMSELF WASN’T A CHICAGO RESIDENT, BUT THAT MOST OF THE DEAD PEOPLE ON HIS PETITIONS WERE BURIED OUTSIDE THE CITY LIMITS.”

“AND I’M PLEASED TO POINT OUT THAT UP HERE IN THE GALLERY, ARE THE DESCENDANTS OF SITTING BULL, WHICH INSPIRED THE VERY SEATING ARRANGEMENTS OF DEMOCRATS NEXT TO REPUBLICANS TONIGHT…. OF COURSE, IF HISTORY IS ANY GUIDE, WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS GREAT CHIEF’S PEOPLE DESPITE SITTING DOWN WITH THE WHITE MAN.”

“THE AMERICAN PEOPLE CLEARLY VOTED US IN TO REPEAL ANY TYPE OF ARTIFICIAL POPULATION CONTROL MEASURES, LIKE THEY HAVE IN COMMUNIST COUNTRIES LIKE CHINA.”

“WE DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO LEAN SO FAR BACKWARD, THAT OUR HEAD ENDED UP COMCAST’S ASS.”

“AS A FORMER ‘LEO’ HE SURE SOUNDED LIKE A LION FROM AFRICA, BUT NOW IT’S CLEAR THAT THERE’S A ‘CANCER’ IN THE PRESIDENCY.”

[Satiric News Editors Note: It's true! Barack's Aug, 4th birthdate underwent this conversion.]

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“A ‘CULTURAL REVOLUTION’ IS NEEDED, SO THAT THE PEASANT MASSES BLINDLY FOLLOW THE DICTATES OF A STRONG AND SOMEWHAT PLUMP CHARISMATIC LEADER.”

Story here.