“AFTER OUR DISGRACEFUL BEHAVIOR ALL YEAR, WHAT COULD BE MORE APPROPRIATE, THAN TO WEAR EGG ALL OVER OUR FACES.”

“THAT’S RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT. BY THE TIME THE HEALTH CARE BILL TAKES EFFECT, EVERYBODY, AND I MEAN EVERYBODY, WILL ACTUALLY BE ELIGIBLE FOR MEDICARE.”

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BuzzFlash Analysis: Prosperous Hospitals and Insurance Companies Thriving on Eve of ‘Healthcare Reform.’

Lisa Casey on the Army’s lack of a pubic option.

Norm Jenson on the Chinese co-option of Copenhagen.

Grading the Prez, at BartCopE!

“IT’S TRULY  A SHAME, OPE, THE MAN SCREWED-UP HIS ONLY REAL CHANCE TO SHOW THAT A SOUTHERNER DOESN’T HAVE TO BE AN IGNORANT NEANDERTHAL KNOW-NOTHING.”

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Lisa Casey on the real Con-Servative.

“SINCE SENATOR McCAIN HAS BEEN GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO GIVE UP ALL HIS PRINCIPLES IN OUR FIGHT AGAINST HEALTH CARE REFORM, HE’LL BE IN CHARGE OF NOT ONLY THE ACTUAL KIDNAP OPERATION, BUT ALSO TORTURING THE FAT BASTARD.”

“I NEVER MEANT SENATOR BYRD ANY SERIOUS HARM; JUST THAT THE OLD GUY MISS THE VOTE DUE TO A SERIOUS BOUT OF CONSTIPATION, THEN OVERCOMPENSATE WITH AN OVERDOSE ON PRUNE JUICE.”

“IT’S BEING CALLED THE ‘NEW KANSAS-NEBRASKA ACT.’ WE’LL ALL BE ENSLAVED TO THE INSURANCE COMPANIES, AND THERE’LL BE A HELLUVA’ LOTTA’ BLEEDING.”

In a sign of the substantial divide between Main Street and North Pole Street, a growing chorus of criticism is being directed at the over-sized bonuses doled out this year to the under-sized elves of Santa’s workshop.

While the most trying economic times since The Great Depression have created massive unemployment, a wave of home foreclosures, and forced millions of Americans to defer retirement, the images of these “fat-reindeer” elves piloting Mercedes Benz sleighs and downing thousand dollar bottles of vintage eggnog have created a backlash of epic proportions.

Indeed, there are numerous reports of carolers foregoing such traditional classics as Silent Night in favor of iconic protest songs, such as John Fogerty’s Fortunate Elf, and Edwin Starr’s Christmas, What is it Good For.

As one angry protestor put it, “these elves always wear the same clothes, and already enjoy subsidized housing from Santa, so why the hell do they need seven-figure bonuses?”

The criticism essentially stems from the unprecedented losses caused by the risky ventures undertaken by Santa and his elves the past few years, where the production and delivery of toys took a back seat to more complex products such as credit toy default swaps, sub-prime Tickle-Me-Elmos, and Dora the Explorer derivatives.

But perhaps the asset that was even more toxic than Chinese toys were highly-leveraged legos, which began to fall like dominoes once the financial crisis hit.

Stoking populist anger even more were the federal bailouts that followed, which were predicated on the belief that Christmas was too big to fail.  Moreover, according to a high-placed source at the North Pole, who was not authorized to speak on behalf of Kris Kringle, neither the President nor his Treasury Secretary wanted to be the one to tell Virginia, a key swing state, “that there is no Santa Clause.”

In response to the widespread outcry, Santa and his elves were summoned to appear before numerous Congressional committees, where they arrived via Amtrak, rather than their executive sleigh, to avoid further damage to their public image.

While snacking on milk and cookies, Santa read a statement claiming that these hefty bonuses were “necessary to prevent the defection of my elves to Wall Street, where they’re being heavily recruited to work in their true field of expertise — micro-cap stocks.”

Nevertheless, in an attempt to quell the public outrage, St. Nick promised that future elf compensation packages would entail less cash, and be more heavily weighted toward Christmas Stocking options.

[Note from Editor's Jewish Mother: 'Alright, so he's not a Doctor, but at least this post won a contest!]

“WHILE CAPS ON VEAL PARMIGIANA AND RISOTTO REMAIN TO BE NEGOTIATED, AT LEAST WE’VE ANSWERED THE SKEPTICS WHO REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT MEATBALLS ARE CAUSED BY HUMAN ACTIVITY.”

10. Biggest threat to Amazon Rainforests: Printouts of Email strings.

9. Widespread perception that the problem “is not the heat, but the humidity.”

8. Energy demands soar by proliferation of water-skiing squirrels.

7. The battle of the next decade: Water Conservation vs. The Mercy Flush.

6. Chinese limit verification procedures to inspection of their Fortune Cookies.

5. Methane emissions spin out-of-control after publication of Thomas Friedman’s next book: The World is Flatulent.

4. Without major subsidies, Bigfoot refuses to reduce his carbon footprint.

3 . Excessive heat generated by Americans screaming over the phone at Indians in Bangalore call centers.

2. Cap and trade results in credit default swaps of polar bears.

1. Failure to place a  punitive tax on the ‘fossil fools’ who deny global warming.

Senators Inhofe and Coburn

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BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin on The Obama Factor. Republican Presidents United Democrats: Democratic Presidents Divide Us.

Lisa Casey on the meltdown of Chuck Norris.

“DESPITE OUR DIFFERENCES, WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT THE BURNING OF THAT FOSSIL FOOL TOM COBURN, INSTEAD OF OUR PRECIOUS FORESTS, IS REALLY THE KEY TO REVERSING GLOBAL WARMING AND SAVING THE PLANET.”