“ALTHOUGH WE’RE DROPPING THE MEDICARE BUY-IN AND PUBLIC OPTION, AT JOE LIEBERMAN’S REQUEST THE NATION’S CAPITOL WILL BE MOVED TO HARTFORD, COLONOSCOPIES WILL BE RE-NAMED ‘NED LAMONTSCOPIES,’ AND THE  HEALTH CARE PLAN FOR SENATORS WILL BE EXPANDED TO COVER ‘TAR AND FEATHERING’.”

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Tiger Woods with an ‘expansion’ marketing strategy, at All Hat No Cattle.

Dan Kurtzman’s Political Cartoons of the Week.

As the holiday season reaches its climax, motorists will be hitting the road en masse, in an annual ritual that appears to defy  bad weather, the bad economy, or just plain bad judgment. Here then, in a public service to those travelers in the Northeast, is a handy guide to the most interesting rest stops on The New Jersey Turnpike, which are named after some of New Jersey’s most famous citizens and fellow travelers.

Vince Lombardi — Absolutely no bathrooms or refreshments; instead all visitors will be required to do 50 push-ups and 10 wind sprints.

Alexander Hamilton — Assuming you manage to survive the “Lombardi treatment,” an even more daunting challenge awaits, as travelers try their hand at preserving their honor by dueling fellow vacationers. The winner has an opportunity to square off against the survivor of the Chris Matthews-Zell Miller duel.

Grover Cleveland: Named for the only U.S. President to serve two non-consecutive terms, this rest stop has bathrooms at both ends of the facility to make things easier for older men, who typically leave the restroom, but shortly return for a second time.

Thomas Edison: Ironically, this rest stop has no electricity, so if you arrive at night, good luck in finding the restroom, and be prepared to make your own Starbucks Grande Mocha Frappuchino without a blender.

Joyce Kilmer: The most rustic of the rest stops, with no facilities at all — just an abundance of trees. Great for walking your dog, but not so accommodating for women, one of whom has filed a sex discrimination lawsuit against the heirs of this great man named “Joyce.”

Woodrow Wilson: Known for its famous Doughboys pizza, and Fourteen Points of entry — which makes it particularly difficult to locate your car upon exiting. Also the perfect place for a man who’s feeling just a bit sick and tired, to let his wife take over the driving responsibilities.

Clara Barton: In honor of this heroic Civil War nurse, weary motorists will be able to enjoy the experience of dining on hospital food, while receiving soft drinks intravenously.

Walt Whitman: This stop offers vast expanses of Leaves of Grass, upon which drivers will be able to sit and contemplate why they ever hit the road in the first place, instead of staying home to read a good book.

“THAT WASCALLY IDIOT IS GIVING ME A BAD NAME — MAYBE I’LL TAKE HIM ON MY NEXT HUNTING TRIP AND PRESENT HIM WITH AN ‘OPTION’ HE CAN’T REFUSE.”

“CLEARLY, THE PRESIDENT WAS ‘RIGHT-ON’ IN TELLING THOSE PEACENIKS THAT WE HAVE THE UNILATERAL RIGHT TO BOMB OUR ENEMIES BACK TO THE STONE AGE WHENEVER WE FEEL LIKE IT; AFTER ALL, IT’S JUST KILLING, JUST DEATH AND JUST WAR.”

“VIVA … VIAGRA! FOR AN ERECTION THAT DOES LAST AFTER ‘FORE’ HOURS, AND HELPS YOU SINK YOUR PUTZ.”

Army Coach Rich Ellerson

“SINCE WE’VE BEEN GETTING OUR BUTTS WHIPPED BY NAVY IN RECENT YEARS, WE FIGURED WE NEEDED HELP FROM SOMEONE WHO NOT ONLY KNEW THE ‘X’s AND E’s’ OF FOOTBALL …  BUT ALSO HAD THE FREEDOM TO BREAK ALL RULES OF ENGAGEMENT.”

“AFTER FURTHER REVIEW, THE ‘SHOOTING IN THE HEAD’  BY THE RIGHT GUARD STANDS.”

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Lisa Casey on the Blackwater dream team for 2012.

“THE NUMEROUS AFFAIRS WITH WOMEN WERE BAD ENOUGH, BUT THE REVELATIONS OF ORAL SEX WITH THE CLOWN ON THE MINIATURE GOLF COURSE MAY PROVE TO BE THE ‘LAST HOLE’ THAT TIGER EVER PLAYS.”

“LISTEN, MR. COHEN, IF YOU WANT YOUR BALL-SACK BACK WHEN YOU LEAVE THE STUDIO, JUST LET MY PRODUCER KNOW, BUT ALL OF AMERICA HAS JUST WITNESSED YOU TAKING IT UP THE ASS.”

Story and video at HuffPost.

“WELL, I GOOGLED ‘ JOHN STUART‘ ON MY BLACKBERRIES, AND GUESS WHAT I FOUND? HE BELONGS TO A FAMILY OF BRITISH KINGS OR CZARS, ONE OF WHICH, CHARLES I, WAS ACTUALLY BEHEADED,  AND JOHN HIMSELF EVEN ATTENDED THE KING SCHOOL AT WILLIAM AND MARY.”

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Jon Stewart’s takedown of FOX and Gretchen, at One Good Move.

“SEE, IT’S NOT ONLY THE EAST ANGLIA ZEALOTS FEEDING US NONSENSE OVER GLOBAL WARMING, BUT THOSE EAST COAST LIBERALS OVER AT CBS WHO, AFTER 54 YEARS, HAVE FINALLY ABANDONED THE SOAP OPERA THAT THE WORLD IS ROUND.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

P.M. Carpenter at BuzzFlash on the Senate’s latest Health Care moves.

Jon Stewart does The Healthcare Debate, via One Good Move.

Madkane on Dick Cheney’s Steno Pool.

Dan Kurtzman’s Political Cartoons of the Week.