“YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, YOU’RE NOT SMART ENOUGH, AND DOGGONIT, PEOPLE HATE YOU …  SO SHUT UP!”

Video at HuffPost.

“WE’RE JUST CONCERNED THE GOP IS NOW GONNA’ GET SOME IDEAS FROM THIS, AND START EXERCISING FILIBUSTERS WITH JUST 20% OF THE VOTES.”

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dave Lindorff at BuzzFlash: Kill the Dems’ Health ‘Reform’ Bill Before It Comes to Life!

Jon Perr on Dana Perino’s selective memory.

BartCopE! with the best of the latest Mashups.

“NOTHING PERSONAL AGAINST JOHN, WHO I LOVE, I JUST NEVER BELIEVED IN AD-VISORS.”

Lisa Casey with more on Palin puttin’ the vise on the McCain visor.

“KEITH, WE THINK ‘THE CANDIDATE OBAMA’ HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THE REBEL GROUP KNOWN AS THE ‘CLINTONISTAS,’ AND THAT SOMEHOW RAHM EMANUEL IS IMPERSONATING BOTH THE PRESIDENT AND THE SECRET SERVICE.”

Lisa Casey on Guess Who Came to a WH Breakfast?

“IF WE CAN JUST COVER UP HIS BUTT-UGLY OLD FACE, AS WELL AS MUFFLE THE SOUND OF HIS INCESSANT WHINING, WE COULD SOLVE BOTH HEALTH CARE AND ELIMINATE ‘FOOL INEFFICIENCY’ AT THE SAME TIME.”

———————————————————————————————————————–

P.M. Carpenter at BuzzFlash: Sen. Lieberman, we have known ye too long.

“SOMETIMES THE ONLY PUBLIC OPTION FOR A HEALTHY CURE IS TO GIVE SOMEONE A TASTE OF THEIR OWN MEDICINE.”

——————————————————————————————————————-

Jon Perr on Sheep, Unicorns, Kamikazes and Joe Lieberman.

Lisa Casey on the twin drones named Cheney.

“TO DEMONSTRATE MY TEXAS ROOTS, I CAMPAIGNED ON THE MOTTO THAT I’M A REAL ‘BUSH,’ AND RODE A COW INSTEAD OF A BULL.  NOW, IF I WAS ONLY VESTED WITH THE POWER AS  MAYOR TO PRESIDE OVER MY OWN WEDDING.”

“THINK ABOUT IT. IF SADDAM HUSSEIN HAD SHARED THE TECHNOLOGY AND KNOW-HOW FOR ‘SILLY WALKS’ WITH ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALISTS, THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN NO WAY FOR SCOTLAND YARD OR BRITAIN’S M15 TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN OUR LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS AND THE TERRORISTS.”

Exchanging their ouija boards and tarot cards for blackberries and iPhones, a whole new generation of psychics have left behind their Old-World ways, in order to ply their trade with the 21st Century tools of the internet and social networking sites.

Roxane Grenier, a resident of La Jolla, California who has seen the same fortune teller for the past 19 years, stated “it’s about time that psychics who claim to see the future are finally joining the present.” Ms. Grenier recounted how Madame X, now known as Madame OS X,  recently abandoned palm readings for a Palm Pre, to help her contact her deceased fourth husband. Indeed, Wired Magazine reports that hundreds of “I See Dead People” apps have already been developed for such hand-held devices.

As one clairvoyant put it, “why screw around with messy tea-leaf readings or seances, which are as slow as dial-up internet connections, when one can make instant contact with the dearly departed through such services as Google’s Dead Souls.” And as for “predicting the future,” she hastened to add, “the crystal ball is like a murky tank of fish water compared to Yahoo Futuristic News.”

Twitter has also proven invaluable in communicating with ghostly spirits, who are notorious for their cryptic and somewhat mysterious messages — the very hallmark of the Twitter user. In fact, many psychics believe that the availability of ‘tweeting’ has dramatically decreased incidents of pictures falling off walls, or doors suddenly blowing open from wind gusts, since the dead no longer need to rely on such childish antics to draw attention to themselves.

New-age mediums have also used such new mediums as Facebook, which is useful not only to locate deceased loved ones, but to learn who they’re hanging out with. Perhaps the most pleasant surprise surrounding Facebook ghosts is that they’re typically the only ones not sticking out their tongues.

However, one of the drawbacks of these spiritual internet connections is that voluminous messages are received from deceased Nigerian cocoa merchants who were purportedly poisoned by their business associates, requesting the account number for your high-yield savings account, so that $27 million can be safely transmitted to their surviving children.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t take a psychic to see that the marriage of labor-saving technology and the paranormal will soon become the norm. As one fortune teller who goes under the screen name of Gypsy2.0 confided, “one thing will never change: ‘time is money’.”

“I WAS AGAINST FORESKIN, BEFORE I WAS FOR IT.”