“YES, NURSE RATCHETT, BECK DID SLIP AWAY DURING OUR FISHING TRIP, BUT IF HE DOESN’T RETURN IMMEDIATELY, WE’LL LET THE WHOLE KNOW HE’S JUST BEEN FUCKING HIMSELF.”

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From Nuts to Neanderthals, at All Hat No Cattle.

“JON, I WOULD’VE APPOINTED ALL THE IOC COMMITTEE MEMBERS ILLINOIS SENATORS, AND ALL I’D ASK IN RETURN IS THAT THE DECATHLON BE CHANGED TO THE ‘BLAGOJETHON’.”

“I GUESS THE SECRET’S NOW OUT - NOT ONLY DID I PREFER ‘DOGGIE STYLE,’ BUT I USUALLY HAD TO BEG TO GET IT.”

10. Extortionist told Letterman: Either you Pay, or we’ll Play ‘Do YOU Float.’

9. Letterman’s sex with staffers was watched by Paul Shaffer at the side of the bed.

8. After sex, Letterman would light up a cigarette and watch Conan O’Brien.

7. When seeking oral sex, Letterman would ask: ‘Uhh, got any GUMS.’

6. In order to keep affairs secret from his family, Letterman broke into the home of his former stalker.

5. When trying to avoid sleeping over, Letterman would use excuse: “Gotta’ catch a plane, with John McCain.”

4. Letterman’s favorite position is ‘stand up.’

3. Letterman made sex videos, produced by Worldwide I Want to Get into Your Pants.

2.  Letterman’s most disgusting habit: Throwing his used condoms off the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

1. When he couldn’t find a willing partner, Dave called his mother in Indiana, and asked her to bake an ‘American Pie.’

“OF COURSE WE WANT TO PROVIDE INSURANCE FOR THE UNBORN CHILD, BUT ANY HEALTH PROBLEMS THAT OCCUR AFTERWARDS HAVE TO BE EXCLUDED AS ARISING FROM THE PRE-EXISTING CONDITION OF BIRTH.”