BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

A PROCLAMATION

“That on the 20th day of January, A.D. 2009, at 12 o’clock noon, all persons enslaved to the MAN-CHILD George W. Bush within any State, District or Territory of these United States shall be then, thenceforward, and forever free to reap the benefits of rationality, science and the Enlightenment; and the executive government of the United States, including the military and naval authority thereof, will recognize and maintain the freedom of such persons from the oppression of the GOP and their twin ideologies of crony capitalism and theocratic repression.”

“EVEN IF IT TAKES UP HALF OF THE STIMULUS PACKAGE, WE’LL STOP AT NOTHING TO PROTECT US FROM THE VENAL DISEASE KNOWN AS THE GOP.”

Story here.

“JUST TO PROVE I PLAY FAIR, I’LL LET KIRSTEN USE GOVERNOR PATERSON TO CHOOSE, CLEAN AND LOAD HER WEAPON.”

“WHAT SIGNAL DOES IT SEND TO THE REST OF THE WORLD WHEN A MAJOR CABLE NETWORK GIVES MORE TIME TO DANGEROUS CHARACTERS THAN TO CHRIS MATTHEWS — NOW WAIT A MINUTE, I’D BETTER KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN ON THIS ONE.”

“THIS WILL GIVE THE PALESTINIANS NOT ONLY THE WEST WING, BUT THE RIGHT OF RETURN TO THE ENTIRE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA.” 

“It’s Bold, Jerry, Bold!

Qaddafi’s Slop-ed on Isratine, at The NY Times.

“I’M MUCH BETTER SUITED FOR THAT JOB. SINCE I’M A BIT SHY I’LL ONLY HAVE TO RECITE 39 WORDS EVERY FOUR YEARS, AND I THINK I CAN ‘FAITHFULLY EXECUTE’ THAT TASK — EVEN IF I ADD THE WORDS ‘YA KNOW’.”

“IT’S NOT THE ORIGINAL INTENT OF THE FRAMERS, BUT THE INTENTIONS OF THE EDITORS OF THE TEXAS LAW REVIEW MANUAL ON STYLE. THAT’S WHY WE FEDERALIST SOCIETY CONSERVATIVES BOLDLY GO WHERE NO JUSTICE HAS GONE BEFORE.”

Norm Jenson has the story on the Chief Grammarian and the Oaf of Office.

“RAHM, IF WE CAN JUST GET ROBERTS TO ADMINISTER THE OATH A COUPLA’ MORE TIMES, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO LAST LONG ENOUGH TO REPLACE SCALIA, THOMAS, ALITO … AND THE CHIEF JUSTICE HIMSELF.” 

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin: Of Al Gore’s Presidency Denied, Eight Years of Illegitimacy, and the Triumph of Meritocracy over Corrupt Entitlement.

Inaugural Humor Parade, via Dan Kurtzman.

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully make moot the laws of the United States, and will, to the best of my nerve, neglect and end the Constitution of the United States.”

There once was a man from Texas 
Who gave new meaning to “reckless” 
A shameless corporate whore 
Who ginned up a War
He would’ve been better off Dick-less