“IT WAS CLEAR THAT THE SPERM MARKETS HAD FROZEN UP, AND WE NEEDED TO INJECT SOME FLUIDITY IN ORDER TO ENSURE FUTURE GROWTH OF THE TAX BASE.” 

An independent panel of economists, historians and behavioral scientists have unanimously concluded that George W. Bush, a/k/a “The Bubble Boy,” is chiefly responsible for the “bubble bubble” that has enveloped this country for the last eight years, which has caused virtually all segments of society to live within a bubble, completely divorced from reality.

The distingushed panel, known as “The Bubble Commission,” brought to bear their expertise in studying past bubbles, including the biblical Tower of Bubble and ancient Bubbleyonia.  Its main finding was that by living in a bubble himself for his entire Administration, and by aggressively using the power of the bubble pulpit, the President has effectively created a national bubble that rivals trapped greenhouse gases as a threat to our way of life.

The Bubble Commission took pains to point out that the “bubble bubble” was not limited to self-described Wall Street “Masters of the Universe,” but also affected bubble-gum chewing waitresses, who squandered their tips on high-risk stocks, instead of saving it for bubble bath to soothe their aching bones at the end of the day.

The panel also concluded that while most people are just starting to emerge from the bubble, both Bush and Cheney appear hopelessly trapped inside, as their exit interviews plainly indicate that they don’t know how to exit the bubble.

Indeed, even the original Bubble Boy from Seinfeld, who many blame for the housing bubble, has come out with a statement that he’d risk his life and leave his own bubble, in order to burst the bubble of Bush and Cheney, who “did more damage than even the Moops who invaded Spain in the 8th Century.”

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Buzzflash with Ann Davidow on A Nation of Bubbles, and Editor Mark Karlin speaks on It’s time to ban TV ads in elections.

Juan Cole with the latest on the al-Zaidi Shoe-Throwing Incident.

Hollywood Liberal with Chris Weigant: Make Wall Street Take The Same Deal The Autoworkers Get.

As the shock waves from the Bernard Madoff mishegas reverberate in Jewish communities from Scarsdale to Palm Beach, an even more stunning revelation came to light today: Moses himself was burned by Bernie.

Now retired and living in a God-assisted living facility in Boca Raton, Moses was devastated by the news, and announced that he would now be forced to auction off both the original Ten Commandments, and the Golden Calf he seized from his brother Aaron in a dispute in the Sinai desert.

Asked where he thought Madoff had gone wrong, Moses lamented that “maybe Bernie paid too much attention to the commandment about not using God’s name in vain, and should have given more thought to “Thou Shall Not Steal” and “Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s 401K.”

Moses was also bitter that his own legacy had essentially been wiped out by Madoff’s madness: “I risked my life and more than 40 years trying to free my people, and now, because of that sonuvabitch, all the Jews are gonna’ have to go back to working like slaves. In fact, they may even have to … let their own people go.”

Moses conceded, however, that he and other investors should have seen the red flags, particularly when they received statements showing that Madoff had put them into the Ten Plagues Total Return Fund.  “Believe you me,” added the Hebrew Prophet, “I’ve seen Pyramid schemes before, but this one really takes the matzoh.”  

Asked what punishment he thought would be appropriate for Madoff, Moses demurred, but said that this might be a better question for his good friend and roommate Abraham, “who really is the expert at sacrifices.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

From Moses to Jesus: Cheerleaders for Christ, by BuzzFlash’s Chad Rubel.

The latest on Shoegate, at All Hat No Cattle.

The Sunday Funnies, at One Good Move.

Dan Kurtzman has The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes, and Political Cartoons of the Week.

“THOSE NEW YORKERS MAY HAVE LEGACIES IN A GOVERNOR, AND TWO SENATE CANDIDATES VYING TO REPLACE THE WIFE OF A FORMER PRESIDENT, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO NEPOTISM, I’M TAKING THINGS TO A WHOLE … ‘NOTHER … LEVEL.”  

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Video of BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin on the media, Blagojevich and systemic corruption.

Latest on the Wasilla Hillbillies, at All Hat No Cattle.

Dan Kurtzman with The 25 Dumbest Political Quotes of 2008.

“NOW THERE THEY WERE, AT HARLEM’S FAMED SYLVIA’S RESTAURANT, AND CAROLINE YELLS OUT: ‘MOTHERF**CKER, I WANT ANOTHER GLASS OF CHABLIS’.”

“LET’S FACE IT, FIRST, SHE COMES OUT AGAINST A FEMALE SENATOR AND A POLITICAL HEAVYWEIGHT IN HER OWN STATE. AND NOW SHE BACKS GAY MARRIAGE.  WITH PROFILES IN COURAGE LIKE THAT, SHE’LL NEVER CUT IT IN THE U.S. SENATE.”

“AND FINALLY, THE PINE STREET PREMATURE EJACULATION CLINIC … IS ON A FIVE MINUTE DELAY.”

JFK: Oswald fired at a current Texas Governor and current President.  Bush: al-Zaidi shot at a former Texas Governor who had already checked out as President. 

JFK: Oswald shot from a warehouse and hid in a theater.  Bush: al-Zaidi shopped in a shoe discount warehouse and became famous on TV and YouTube.

JFK: Conspiracy theorists think it was a mob plot.  Bush: Entire Administration was a mob plot.

JFK: Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who told him not to go to Dallas. Bush: Ted Kennedy told Bush to return to Baghdad and drive his Lincoln through Sadr City.

JFK: Mystery continues over the grassy knoll.  Bush: Mystery continues over how we re-elected an assy pol.

JFK: Incident spawned legend of Camelot. Bush: Incident cemented legend of SHAM-A-LOT.

JFK: Rendered brain dead by attack. Bush: Remained  brain dead after attack.

“HEY, CHECK OUT THESE TITLES: DEBBIE DOES DERIVATIVES, MORTGAGE BARE-BACKED SECURITIES, AND BERNIE MADOFF FUCKS THE LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.”

Story here.

“LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT I’M THE ONE WHO FOUND IT, BUT I WAS DISAPPOINTED THAT IT STATED: I, MARK FELT, HAVE ALREADY GIVEN EVERYTHING TO BOB WOODWARD.”