Expressing concern that even the “due process-lite” Military Tribunals at Gitmo are too risky, the Bush Administration is now seeking a dramatic change in venue, so that the ‘9/11′ suspects are tried and sentenced by television’s Judge Judy.

According to the chief legal counsel for the Pentagon, Common Article 3 of the Geneva Convention may prohibit torture and sleep deprivation, but says nothing about being humiliated on national television by a post-menopausal megalomaniac, who eats Jihadists for lunch.

This proposal created an immediate outcry from human rights organizations, who maintain that Judge Judy runs her courtroom like the infamous show trials  of the Stalin era, and that her methods violate Article 3’s ban on outrages upon personal dignity.

In Congressional testimony, The Center for Constitutional Rights took the position that detainees would be far better off being mauled by angry pit bulls than by the rabid Judge. As an appendix to his testimony, Michael Ratner, the Director of the Center, submitted a sampling of the abuse that terror suspects could expect in an appearance before Judge Judy:

Take off the turban, Abdullah; you’re not in Karbala anymore.

If you don’t shut your trap, al-Shmucki, you’re gonna be seeing stars and 72 virgins.

Sit down and listen to me; you may get away with that crap at Gitmo, but not in my Courtroom.

You just don’t get it, Ji-wad; do I have to draw you a picture of Mohammed.

Hey Abu, next time put on a pair of pants; I’m the only one who wears the robe in this Court.

You wanna take your oath with the Koran? — why don’t you just swear to my sweet can.

I’ve seen dumb before, but you couldn’t make a shoe-bomb if I spotted you the TNT and a pair of Nikes.

A confidential Pentagon source revealed, however, that Bush and Cheney didn’t really expect the Judge Judy proposal to fly, but that they were using it as leverage, in order to get the detainees to agree to be privately tried by Clarence “I Get Off on Cruel and Unusual Punishment” Thomas.

Although Congressional Democrats, with the exception of Joe Lieberman, are united in their opposition to the Administration’s proposal, they’re offering up legislation that would grant Judge Judy exclusive jurisdiction over Bush and Cheney’s impeachment.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

Mark Karlin’s “Two Primary Theory“: Obama and Clinton Are Really Conducting Two Primaries in Each State.

Lisa Casey on The Unimpeachables.

Perrspectives: The Abominable Ted Olson on “Clinton v. Obama.”

Dan Kurtzman presents Best Spoof Videos of Campaign 2008.