OK, you pinko commie liberals. You know you’re just dying to know what’s really going on at the Conservative Political Action Conference this weekend. And that phony itinerary they post on their website is about as genuine as a George Bush campaign promise of “compassionate conservatism.” So here, from the home office of the Club for Malignant Tumor Growth, is the real CPAC Agenda:

9:00 AM – Kippers with the Gippers: Breakfast and Welcoming Remarks by Ronald Reagan Impersonators

10:00 AM – Workshop: How to Make a Citizen’s Arrest of the Undocumented Workers Who’ve Just Finished Serving You Breakfast

11:15 AM – Grover Norquist on the Future of the GOP: How to Sell ‘Trickle Down Economics’ to Voters Who Don’t Have a Pot to Piss In

12 Noon – Break for Lunch and Gun Show in the Charlton Heston Pry It From My Cold, Dead Fingers Ballroom

1:15 PM – Diebold Presents: Fun and Games With Electoral Machinery

2:00 PM – Evangelical Hour: Ann Coulter Explains How Her Adam’s Apple is Literally Adam’s Apple

3:00 PM – Reducing the Federal Deficit: Bill O’Reilly on Charging Tolls to Homeless Veterans Sleeping Under Bridges

3:30 PM – The Neo-Con Century: Bill Kristol Maps Out “The War Against Buddhists” After the Muslims are Brought to Heel

4:00 PM – George Will on Edmund Burke and the Infield Fly Rule

4:25-4:30 PM. Minority Forum: Black Conservatives Caucus in the Clarence Thomas Retro Phone Booth

5:00 PM – Cocktail Hour and ‘Patriot Act’¬†Entertainment: Dinesh D‚ÄôSouza plays the music of John Philip Sousa

6:00 PM – Dinner and Keynote Address by Presumptive Nominee John McCain: “I Was a Foot Fungus in the Reagan Devolution.”

7:30 PM -  After-Dinner Slide Show on Global Warming and Alternative Energy: Harnessing Al Gore as the Next Fossil Fuel

8:00 PM – The Fighting Fascists: Pat Buchanan and Tony Blankley Go Three Rounds to Determine Who Gets the Far-Right Seat on The McLaughlin Group

8:45 PM – The Federalist Society presents “Fuck the Founding Fathers.”

9:30 PM – CPAC Casino Night: Tom DeLay on Stealing Back the Casinos from Native Americans

11:00 am – GOP Fashion Show: Parade of the Right-Wing Blondes (Does the carpet match the drapes?)

Midnight (in America) – Closing Remarks by Newt Gingrich: The GOP’s Next Contract … ON America

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BLOGWORTHIES:

Staying on topic, the Batshit Crazy Tom DeLay on Hardball, via One Good Move.

BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin on a Potential Democratic Storm: Co-Chairs of the DNC Delegate Credentials Committee All Served in Clinton Administration.

And speaking of the Dems, Jon Perr opines on Obama’s Risky Electability Argument.

Nicole Belle on The Abrams Report: Bush League Justice, and Lisa Casey on Bush League Budgets.

Dan Kurtzman with The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes.