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Sunday, December 30th, 2007 at 10:04 pm

The ‘Fear in Review’: Diary of a Scared Congress

  

Dear Diary:

As a freshman Congressman from the Democratic Class of ’06, I had high hopes of doing some serious ass Bush-kicking, but as things turned out, it looks as if we were whipped like a non-neo-con on a southern Cheney gang.¬† Here are some of the lowlights:

1. Iraq.¬† OK,¬†we¬†only worked on non-binding resolutions to restrict¬†funding for¬†Iraq, but we did manage to put them in a …¬†binder!¬† But I have to admit Dubya got the upper hand once again, claiming that we’d be a bunch of wusses unless we personally participated in the surge in Sadr City. Well, Xmas in Baghdad’s not exactly like home, especially since there’s not even enough electricity to light the tree. But the news is not all bad: Jack Murtha has collected another purple heart, and they say a pretty good fireworks show is expected on New Year’s Eve.

2. Iran. Speaking of non-binding resolutions, when are we finally gonna learn to read the small print on these damn Administration proposals. Now both¬†the¬†Iranian Revolutionary Guards, and the Democrat Party,¬†are labeled “terrorist organizations.”¬†¬†

3. S-CHIP. Now this one was really gonna’ be a slam dunk! Health care for sick children. Even the man-child and Darth Vader wouldn’t want to play a Dickens villain on this one. So how-in-hell did we end up passing a bill that taxes uninsured children –¬†to pay for tobacco ads!¬†

4. FISA. Listen, it’s no easy thing to buck the Commander-in-Chief when he waves the flag, and invokes “9/11″ more often than a broken Rudy Giuliani wind-up doll. But I think we went a bit too far when we agreed to let the White House install nanny cams in our offices.

5. Torture. I know, I know, the Geneva convention and all that. But although Mukasey turned out to be as slippery as Alberto VO-Jive, we did extract two key concessions on all future waterboarding: only the finest bottled spring water can be used, and they have to wait at least a half-hour until after the detainee has eaten!

Oh well, some of our critics may nitpick, and say we haven’t really accomplished much, but I prefer to see the glass as half-full.¬† After all, couldn’t you say we’re really like a “model congress?”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

Shirley Smith at BuzzFlash on those Slow Learners in Congress.

Touched By An Atheist, with George Carlin, via One Good Move.

PDB on Peddling Fear: Pakistan vs. Healthcare, Jobs, and Foreclosures.

Dan Kurtzman with The Funniest Political Quotes of 2007.

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