In light of the stunning revelations that the BusheNazis continued to authorize torture of suspected terrorists, despite their public disavowal of such practices, the question arises of just how far CIA interrogators were allowed to go.¬†
For example, as with¬†Column A and Column B in a Chinese restaurant, inquiring torturers wanted to know what combinations of techniques were permissible.¬† And were a la carte substitutions allowed?
Well, this reporter has discovered¬†a double super-secret classified document from the Justice Department’s Office of¬†Legal Counsel, a/k/a “Devil’s Advocate,” which provided just such advice and guidance to our “white knights” at “black sites”:
Dear Devil’s Advocate:¬† I’m confused about the latest rules on “Waterboarding”; is it in or out?¬† Yours truly, CIA/CYA
Dear CIA/CYA: It’s really very simple: Waterboarding is not only permitted but encouraged, as long as you wait until 1/2 hour after the detainee has eaten. We’re not barbarians,¬†you know.¬† Hang Ten, DA
Dear Devil’s Advocate:¬†Could you clarify whether I can¬†blast detainees with rock music at 140 decibels? Yours truly, Rockin’ in the Un-Free World
Dear Rockin‘: You’re fine, as long as¬†you don’t subject terrorists to¬†Kenny G — even David Addington and Clarence Thomas would be appalled at that. DA
Dear Devil’s Advocate: I’m concerned about the practice¬†of head-slapping, right after the suspect has been exposed to sub-zero temperatures for 24 hours. Couldn’t that result in the detainee’s head snapping off, like an icicle on an awning, on a¬†Minnesota winter morning?¬† Yours truly, Cold Case Officer
Dear Cold Case: ¬†You raise a good point: headless terrorists tell no tales. I would suggest you defrost Mohammed’s head in the microwave for 2 minutes immediately prior to any head slaps.¬†
Dear Devil’s Advocate: What does the latest legal opinion say about sleep-deprivation? Yours truly,¬†Causing Sleepless in the Battle¬†¬†¬†¬†
Dear Causing Sleepless:¬† The more we keep the bad guys up, the more they have to confront¬†Honest Abe and the “beaver,” both of whom threaten their very way of life — particularly the beaver. Or is it more sleep that causes such early morning meet-ups? — Oh well, those commercials are harder to comprehend than habeas corpus.
Dear Devil’s Advocate: I understand your real identity is Steven Bradbury.¬†Any relation to¬†Ray Bradbury, author of the famous book¬†Fahrenheit 451?¬† Yours truly, Hot-Headed in Hungary¬†
Dear Hot-Headed: I’m no relation to Ray; but instead of books,¬†this Administration does believe in burning the Constitution at Fahrenheit 451.¬†
Paul Rogat Loeb at¬†BuzzFlash: Edwards-Obama, Go Edwama.
Real Love, Republican-Style, at PDB.¬†
Colbert Report: “We don’t negotiate with terrorists,” via One Good Move.
EU Lawmakers Reject Creationism, Intelligent Design in Schools, at Perrspectives.