Following the precedent of Hammerin’ Hank Aaron, who refuses to be in attendance when Barry Bonds becomes the new Home Run King, former President Richard M. Nixon announced that he wouldn’t be there to “celebrate” when George W. Bush passes him on the all-time list for Constitutional violations.

Nixon claimed that Bush’s feat, which is expected to occur any day now, will be tainted by his use of “steer-oids” — since Bush was clearly “steered” into trashing the Constitution by Cheney and his gang of Neo-Cons.

Nixon asserted that “it’s obvious that Bush injected so much of the Veep into his backside that the President’s head began to swell as large as a watermelon.”

“And don’t forget,” Nixon added, “how bulked up Bush’s back looked during the 2004 debates.”

The 37th President acknowledged that “records are meant to be broken, but cheating at cheating with help from others violates the ancient code of honor among thieves.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” the only President to resign from office added, “I had help from the likes of Mitchell, Haldeman and Ehrlichman, but it was my idea to engage in wholesale violations of civil rights and liberties. In the case of Bush, he’s obviously too stupid to even know the laws he was breaking.”

Nixon also emphasized that it was “my scheme to secretly invade sovereign countries like Laos and Cambodia, not that Jew Kissinger’s, as many have falsely assumed. Do you really believe for a moment that Bush could have so thoroughly screwed Iraq without Cheney and Rumsfeld?”

Nixon, displaying a hint of his trademark bitterness, rhapsodized that “if I had had the advantage of a world-class bastard like Cheney, instead of a two-bit crook like Agnew, there’s no telling what we could have accomplished together — perhaps even abolishing Congress and The Supreme Court.”

“Then there would’ve been no Court decision on the ‘Nixon Tapes,’ no pressure to resign from a non-existent Congress, and I would have still been President,” Nixon explained. “Just think, even though I’d now be dead, I still would’ve been a huge improvement over George W. Bush.”

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BLOGWORTHIES: 

White House Manipulation to Maintain GOP Executive Branch Control in 2008.

More Bill Kristol-lite, at Crooks & Liars.

The Republicans’ Slash and Burn Obstructionism, at PDB.

Firedoglake Book Salon: The Rise of the Blogosphere.