Claiming that Iraq is finally turning the tide, President Bush today cited a 50% reduction of trans fats in Baghdad and Anbar province, the two areas where mortality rates have been the highest.

Appearing at a joint press conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, Bush stated that¬†trans fats are a “silent killer, responsible for more Iraqi deaths than sectarian violence.”

Bush hailed Maliki for taking the difficult steps necessary to establish a “healthy” democracy, including imposing a strict 11 pm curfew for eating snack foods, and disarming the Shiite-infiltrated police force of Krispy Kreme donuts.¬†

In addition, the Prime Minister also ordered all restaurants and markets to display nutrition labels on the steel-armored facades and concrete bunkers that surround their entrances.

Stating that “we’ll cut and run¬†when they can cut their trans fats and run 10 minutes on a treadmill,” Bush promised to stay in Iraq indefinitely, since all Iraqi doctors, including cardiologists, have long since “surged” out of the country.

Bush also issued a warning¬†to the Iranians to “stop smuggling into Iraq sticks of margarine,¬†as well as¬†yellow cake … from Entenmann’s.”

However,¬†Baghdad correspondent Michael Ware, appearing on¬†CNN’s Situation Room,¬†reported that there are still major pockets of resistance to the Maliki plan, from both sides in the civil war: “Wolf, as one young Shiite teen told me, why worry about inflamed arteries …¬†when this whole fucking place is in flames.”

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