Undaunted and undeterred by its failure to stem sectarian stupidity in the Bush Administration, the Iraq Study Group has decided to take another stab at victory, with a SURGE of its own.

Speaking on behalf of the ISG, Co-Chairman James Baker explained that their last effort did not utilize enough diplomats to quell Bush’s Shit-ite¬†policies, or unduly Sunny scenarios.

“This time,” Baker promised, “we intend to expand the membership of the ISG by at least 20,000, which will require a draft of all retired Cabinet members,¬†Congressmen, and¬†foreign service officers going back to the Kennedy Administration.”

Co-Chairman Lee Hamilton added that new strategies would also be employed. “Instead of just lobbying the Administration¬†during the day, and then going home to sleep in our own beds at night, this time we’re going to camp out in the White¬†House¬†24/7.”

However, many remained skeptical that¬†20,000 ISG personnel, even equipped with body armor, would be sufficient to suppress the random insanity of the¬†Bush policies. As Senator Chuck Hagel put it, “putting these old folks in the meat grinder of¬†this Administration is a fool’s errand, and may well be the biggest humanitarian disaster since Darfur.”

Senator Joe Biden¬†pointed out that “according to the Pentagon’s own counter-insurgency manual, it takes 50,000 troops alone just to dislodge Vice President Cheney from his underground bunker.”¬†

Biden added that “this kind of office-to-office combat within the West Wing, with this¬†surge of retirees,¬†is bound to result in pulled muscles, irregularity, and even broken hips.”

In making an impassioned plea to stop this¬†surge, Hagel issued this warning to all current and future ISG members: “You’d be a lot better off selling orthopedic shoes.”

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