After days spent trying to decipher Bush’s lethargic demeanor and “hostage-look” in his nationally televised “surge” address, body language experts have now reached a consensus: that Bush was indeed a hostage.

“How else do you explain a policy that was utterly idiotic, even for Bush,” one expert explained.¬† “Besides, who but al-Qaeda or the Iranians would benefit from putting more U.S. troops in the cross-hairs of radical Islamists, so Bush must’ve been their captive.”

The “hostage explanation”¬†seems to have been further confirmed by a close-up of Bush,¬†standing¬†in a library, where the background revealed a volume of Everything You Wanted to Know About Jihad* But Were Afraid to Ask.

Not all so-called experts, however, have bought into this¬†hostage theory. Clint Van Zandt, a former FBI profiler, whose own profile can now be seen 24 hours a day¬†on MSNBC, contends that Bush is actually a child molester, and had the look of someone who was caught with his pants down in the kitchen by Dateline’s Stone Phillips.

Ex-Majority Leader Bill Frist, now practicing medicine again and free to speak his mind, offered a different diagnosis, stating that both Bush’s policy and his look suggested that he was clinically brain-dead, and that Bush’s feeding tube should therefore be removed.

Not one to be outdone, Bill O’Reilly, of late a self-appointed expert on body language, agreed¬†in his No-Spin Zone that¬†Bush was in fact a hostage, but that he was the captive not of¬†militant Muslims, but of ultra-liberal NBC.

Both Republicans and Democrats are praying for Mr. Bush — not for his safe return, but that he develops Stockholm Syndrome, and stays indefinitely with his captors.¬†

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