In a dramatic turnabout from its previous harsh condemnation, the Christian Coalition has decided to embrace Dick Cheney’s pregnant lesbian daughter, claiming that she’s actually the Second Coming of the Virgin Mary.

Reached at his offices at Liberty University, the Reverend Jerry Falwell conceded that the Christian Right had been shortsighted in trying to boot this Mary out of the manger, when she actually offered a tremendous upside to the evangelical cause.

“Let’s face it,” Falwell stated, “she is a ‘Mary,’ she’s probably technically a virgin, and it wouldn’t really surprise me if her life partner was a carpenter.”

The Rev. Pat Robertson also bestowed his “Virgin Mary” blessing on Cheney’s daughter, whose lesbianism some trace to her utter disgust with Dick. Robertson asserted that the return of the Savior through the Cheney bloodlines was not really a surprise, given the Vice President’s policy of bringing Armageddon to the Middle East.

However, not all evangelicals are buying into the program. James Dobson, of Hocus Pocus on the Family, for example, has expressed outrage that “Jesus will have two commies.”

In addition, a number of progressive religious leaders are actually trying to persuade Mary Cheney to abort the child, which they believe is certain to be the Antichrist.

In this regard, they plan to send Mary Cheney a delegation of three wise comedians, Judy Gold, Al Frankincense, and Bill Myrrh.

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By the way, I’ll be appearing on Thom Hartmann’s radio program this coming Tuesday, December 26th, at 10:30 am EST/7:30 am PST.

BLOGWORTHIES:

Norman Solomon at BuzzFlash: Powell, Baker, Hamilton — Thanks for Nothing.

Progressive Daily Beacon on Napoleon Bonehead and America’s Stellar Press.

Crooks & Liars on the bigoted Virgil Goode. Just more of what we need to win hearts and minds in the Arab world, as noted by Steve Gilliard.

PAY ATTENTION, GEORGE, THIS IS MY BEST OFFER –TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.¬†YOU GET¬†OUR TROOPS ON THE FIRST BUS HOME OUTTA’ BAGHDAD, YOU ARRANGE FOR CHENEY’S CRUCIFIXION, AND¬†YOU TENDER YOUR RESIGNATION. THEN MAYBE,¬†JUST MAYBE,¬†I CAN KEEP YOU OUT OF HELL.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash: ‘Absolutely, We’re Winning’ Morphs Into ‘Just Kidding.’

Norm Jenson with The Daily Show’s 10 Fucking Years presents Happy Fucking Holidays.

Madkane’s Shopping for a New Prez. Best gift idea I’ve heard in years.

Jonathan Singer at MyDD: The “Up for Reelection in 2008/Change of Heart on Iraq” Caucus Grows.

NanceGreggs at DU: Let the Kid Play.

Wonkette with Rick Santorum’s Inner Sanctum.

 

“NOW TELL ME, HAVE YOU EVER, AS A TEENAGER,¬†PARTICIPATED¬†IN A TICKLE FIGHT¬†AT AN ALL-GIRL SLUMBER PARTY?”¬†

In a bizarre combination of¬†the War on Terror and the War on Christmas, the Bush Administration today canceled this year’s Yuletide¬†celebration, after arresting Santa Claus for aiding and abetting terrorism, and designating him as an enemy combatant.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez announced that Old St. Nick had been tracked by the FBI for some time, since he fit the classic terrorist profile: a¬†bearded holy man who took flying lessons, repeatedly entered and left this Country without a passport,¬†and controlled a tightly knit cell of subordinates who manufacture concealed¬†packages –¬†that Santa delivers to his network in the dark of night.

Gonzalez further stated that based on warrantless intercepts¬†of phone calls¬†and emails between the North Pole and Detroit, Michigan, U.S. authorities were able to¬†uncover Santa’s “naughty and nice” lists, that¬†implicated him in various Al-Qaeda related activities.

The AG also asserted¬†that the final nail in¬†the jolly fat man’s coffin was provided by satellite photos, which¬†caught Osammy kissing Santa Claus.¬†

Santa by all accounts is being held at Guantanamo, where he reportedly has been waterboarded, forced to live in squalor among reindeer feces, and purposely left alone with his thick black belt to encourage him to hang himself.

Gonzalez, however, insisted that this constituted more humane treatment than Mr. Claus had originally received, when he was picked up in southern California and abused by L.A. cops.

On FOX News, Bill O’Reilly endorsed this particular War on Christmas, but warned that “the United States faces a long and arduous battle against the Santa terror network that is not for the faint of heart, or all of those Claus-coddling liberals.”¬†

O’Reilly also pointed to the fact that “there are now Santa cells on virtually every street corner of our¬†cities and towns, and they’ve apparently even infiltrated the Salvation Army.”

In related news, Keith Olbermann opened his commentary this evening by stating, “No, Virginia, apparently there is no Santa Claus, or habeas corpus.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

George Lakoff at BuzzFlash: Building on the Progressive Victory.  

This Week In God, with Daily Show’s Samantha Bee, at One Good Move.

John Amato, on Newsweek’s “cover-up” of favorable Hillary polling.

Gates already delusional, at Progressive Daily Beacon.

Booman, on the case for Impeachment.

Brownback’s Own Secrets, by Nitpicker at Unclaimed Territory.

“YA’ SEE, I ASK MY JOINT CHIEFS WHAT WE NEED IN IRAQ, AND THEN I DO THE OPPOSITE.¬† HEY, IT WORKED FOR GEORGE COSTANZA.”¬†

In a unanimous decison by its editorial board, Time Magazine named President George W. Bush as¬†its Man-Child of the Year, beating¬†out such wannabes as Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez, Iran’s Ahmadinejad, and North Korea’s Kim Jong Il.

Time took into account Bush’s entire body of work, including his actions on 9/11, where he continued to read My Pet Goat, despite a massive attack on the United States.

The cover of Time is adorned not only with a picture of Bush, but with a broken mirror, signifying the seven years of bad karma his Administration has brought, a remarkable achievement considering they’ve only been in office for six.

In explaining their decision, Time’s editors emphasized¬†that Bush ran away from the field on all the key components that make up a Man-Child: a very brief attention span, inability to speak in complete sentences, a propensity to make a huge mess and then blame others for it, and a bedtime of 9:00 p.m.

But perhaps the biggest factor in Bush’s favor was his stubborn determination, like a five year-old, to lie about things that even a blind man could see were not true.

Although Chavez, Ahmadinejad, and Kim Jong Il all exhibited some of these tendencies, Bush got the nod because he has managed to maintain his childish behavior despite all of the advantages and privileges that he was born into.

While some of Time’s editors were reportedly on the fence about¬†voting for Bush, it appears that their minds were made up in the aftermath of the Iraq Study Group Report, when Bush made clear that he was¬†determined to do the opposite of whatever his daddy wanted him to do.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

Colonel (Ret.) Ray Coughenour at BuzzFlash: Staying in Iraq Until the “Job Is Done?”

Progressive Daily Beacon on Gingrich: Corporate Pointman for Internet Censorship.

Stephen Colbert’s Neo-Con math, via One Good Move.

Crooks & Liars on White House/CIA censorship of op-ed piece by former analyst.   

 

“GEEZ, IT WAS AS IF¬†THOSE RUBES UP IN NEW HAMPSHIRE NEVER SAW A BLACK GUY BEFORE — AND ACCORDING TO THE LATEST CENSUS, THEY PROBABLY HAVEN’T!”

As reported by Nir Rosen of IraqSlogger, Baghdad residents have recently been bombarded with recorded phone messages suspiciously originating from outside Iraq, that condemn Moktada al-Sadr and his Mahdi Army.

Now,¬†confidential sources have revealed that this tactic is just part of Bush’s New Way Forward, intended to turn the tide in¬†Iraq with an extensive psych-ops program.

Other reported activities intended to discredit the radical cleric have included: 

– A television ad on Al Jazeera featuring Ken Mehlman, who claims to¬†have met the Shiite firebrand at Singles Night at the mosque,¬†and¬†ends with Mehlman seductively saying: “Moktada, Call Me.”

– A broadcast by Rush Limbaugh, insisting¬†that Moktada’s fist-shaking and wild rants of “Death to America” were just a big act.¬†¬†¬†

– Letters sent to Iraqis, written in pigeon Arabic, stating that if they attempted to vote for Moktada’s coalition in the next election,¬†they’d be penalized by not being¬†deported, and thus would be stuck in Iraq.

– A commercial claiming that Moktada had misused “militia money” funnelled from Iranian mullahs, to make repeated calls to¬†1-900-72-VIRGINS.

 

While the White House has vehemently denied any involvement or knowledge of¬†these actions, many find it curious that Tony Snow has now been replaced by¬†Judith Regan, to explain what they would have done — “If They Did It.”

In related news, experts are casting some doubt about the effectiveness of Bush’s planned “surge” in Iraq, due to the lack of adequate electricity.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

John Amato with Colin Powell’s take on the “Surge.”

Idiocy Abounds: more on the Surge, at Mahablog.

Dave Lindorff at BuzzFlash, on the U.S. crack down at Guantanamo detainees, despite overwhelming evidence most are not terrorists.

Progressive Daily Beacon: Is There Time to Alter America’s Legacy of Greed and Destruction?

As the Rumsfeld era comes to an end, Dan Kurtzman has the classic Rumsfeldian Foot-in-Mouth Anthology.

Army Captain Slideshow of “How to Win in Iraq,” at Seeing the Forest.¬†¬†

 

In explaining why he’s¬†completely disregarding the key recommendations of The Iraq Study Group, President Bush asserted that his dog Barney ate his copy of the Commission’s Report.

“It’s the damndest thing,” Bush stated. “All’s I did was spread out the Report on the floor for Miss Beazley’s paper training, and next thing you know, ‘ole Barney came along and chewed up all 160 pages.”

In order to refute any suggestion that this story was concocted as an¬†excuse to ignore the Report, this year’s edition of the “Barney Christmas Video” expressly addresses the issue. The video features a cross Bush scolding Barney, with Bush asking Tony Snow to take¬†Barney into the White House Press Room¬†to¬†apologize¬†to David Gregory.

In the past, Bush has also asserted that Barney was responsible for eating his copy of the Constitution, the Geneva Convention, the FISA statute and his 2000 campaign speech about being a “uniter.”

Unfortunately for the Country, however, Barney was not able to digest the Administration’s plans for the invasion of Iraq, which he immediately threw up, whereupon they were quickly recovered¬†and implemented by Rumsfeld.

Confidential sources indicate¬†that Barney refuses¬†to be Bush’s fall guy on the Iraqi mess, and has therefore¬†decided to “cut and run” from the White House.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

Mitt Romney, BuzzFlash Hypocrite of the Week.

Lewis Black on Last Laugh 2006, via One Good Move.

Lisa Casey on The Indecider.

Iraqis Harrased by Robo-Calls, at Crooks & Liars.

Christy Hardin Smith on Afghanistan — “The Forgotten War.”

First Lady Laura Bush, sitting down for an¬†interview this¬†week with MSNBC’s Norah O’Donnell, flexed her muscles and blasted the media for her husband’s abysmal approval ratings on Iraq, claiming that they fail to report any “good news”¬†out of “Baghtopia.”

“For example,” said Mrs. Bush, “there’s a new school being built every 15 seconds, immediately after the old one gets blown to smithereens.”

The former elementary school teacher and librarian also emphasized that due to the high student mortality rate and flight of the middle class, Baghdad has made dramatic strides in reducing class size.

“Iraqi students also spend more hours studying than their¬†American counterparts,” Mrs. Bush hastened to add, “since they go out and play only at¬†risk to their very lives.”

“Indeed, the rise in literacy has been nothing short of miraculous,”¬†the Lady in Red¬†noted, “since 89% of the population can now spell DEATH TO AMERICA.”¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†

“Besides, sectarian violence builds a strong sense of religious community,” the First Lady maintained.¬†¬†

Mrs. Bush also pointed out that declining oil production in Iraq helps fight global warming, and the nightly curfews keep Iraqi teenagers away from the dangers of alcohol.

Finally, the First Lady blamed the media not only for the electorate’s dismal view of¬†Iraq, but for¬†its overall disgust¬†with the President:¬† “If they didn’t insist on covering his every public statment, maybe he wouldn’t seem like such an idiot.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

Norm Jenson has Hardball’s discussion of candidates “too smart for the public.”

Dan Kurtzman’s 20 Funniest Videos of 2006.¬†

Bush’s Contempt and¬†Disrespect for the American People, at Progressive Daily Beacon.

Glenn Greenwald on “winning hearts and minds.”¬†

Jerome Armstrong at MyDD: Bye, Bye Bayh?