Tired of Bill Safire’s annual “Office Pool” column in The New York Times? — the 2007 version of which appeared today.¬† Sick of his not-so-subtle slants to reflect his right-wing wish list?¬† Well, here then, is the only Office Pool you need, the First Annual “Office Satire Pool” for 2007:
1. George Bush will:
(a) stay the course, (b) give in to his urge to surge, (c) cut and run, (d) cut his wrists.
I hope for (d), but fear it’ll be (b).
2. Dick Cheney will push for the invasion of:
(a) Iran, (b) Syria, (c) Iraq, all over again, (d) The Democratic-controlled House and Senate.
My pick: All of the above.
3. Osama bin Laden will:
(a) be captured while dining with Pakistan President Musharraf, (b) take over as the lead anchor on Al Jazeera, (c) be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by Bush, for ensuring¬†W’s re-election.
The answer is (a), but you won’t hear about it, since Bush needs both¬†Musharraf and bin Laden.
4. Which politician’s platform to battle the E. coli threat will be most ridiculed:
(a) Hillary Clinton’s centrist-tacking “All meat should be safe, legal and rare,” (b) John McCain’s “Send in more bacteria,” (c) John Kerry’s “How do you ask a man to die for a last¬†steak.”
Obviously (c), which will be played to death by the Swift Meat Company veterans.
5. Which position will the extreme Right-Wing do a dramatic reversal on:
(a) abortion, (b) tax cuts for the wealthy, (c) global warming, (d) human cloning.
The correct answer is (d) human cloning, which has already occurred, based on the fact that Pat Buchanan appears¬†simultaneously on every cable news station.
6. Bill O’Reilly will make a fool of himself on:
(a) attacking Keith Olbermann, (b) continuing to criticize the fake “War on Christmas,” (c) campaigning for a “War on Isthmus” — to take back the Panama Canal.
Answer: All of the above, and everytime O’Reilly opens his mouth.
7. Jimmy Carter will spend the majority of his time:
(a) building Israeli settlements on the West Bank, (b) leading a prayer vigil over the comatose Ariel Sharon, (c) battling John Edwards for the lead in Extreme Makeover, Home Edition.
Clearly (c); I had to give¬†an easy one even a Republican could get.
8. Gerald Ford will be rise from the dead and:
(a) pardon Bush, (b) pardon¬†Squeaky Fromme, so she can¬†take a potshot at Cheney, (c) bring back the 70′s with “plaid” and “mood rings.”
My heart says (b), but my head says (c).
9. The most effective negative advertising slogan in¬†the race for the GOP nomination will be:
(a) “Giuliani: More wives than a Mormon,” (b) “Romney: A Johnny-come-lately to gay bashing,”¬†¬†(c) “Gingrich: Already beaten by a Clinton.”
A three-way tie, kind of like kissing your lesbian Mormon sister.¬†
10: Trump and Rosie will bury the hatchet by:
(a) agreeing to adopt an African orphan together, (b) coordinating their efforts¬†to impeach Bush, (c) jointly sponsoring the Miss Lesbian U.S.A. contest.
Ya’ know, (b) and (c) could really happen.
11. Tim Russert will:
(a) predict a basketball¬†championship for Buffalo, despite the fact that it lacks an NBA¬†franchise, (b) move Meet the Press to Buffalo, (c) eat a Buffalo burger on the air on Easter Sunday, in front of Matalin and Carville.
Trick question: Tim will eat at least¬†two buffalo burgers.
12. The Supreme Court will, by a 5-4 vote,¬†abolish:
(a) the Fourth Amendment, (b) Congress, (c) the Supreme Court, (d) Clarence Thomas’ practice of wearing nothing under his robes.
Only (a), even Clarence doesn’t have the balls for (b), and (c) would be cutting his own balls to spite his face.
13. The Right-Wing smear machine will play the race card by accusing:
(a)¬†Barack Obama of fathering black children, (b) Hillary of¬†running so Bill can become the first black First Lady, (c) John Edwards of being the “Muddy Waters” candidate of New Orleans’ Ninth Ward.
I know what you’re thinking, why am I giving them such great ideas?
14. By the end of ’07, Iraq will be:
(a) ruled by Moktada al-Sadr, (b) with Sunnis completely¬†vanquished, in full-scale civil war between rival Shiite militias, (c)¬†annexed as the 51st State of the United States, with all Iraqis dead.
To quote George Tenet, “Slam Dunk” for (b).
15. Greatest irony of 2007:
(a) Tom Friedman gets “flattened” by Iraqi refugee, (b)¬†D.A. in “Duke Case” is sent to jail and gets gang-raped, (c) Dubya meets his maker, after choking on a falafel while watching the Super Bowl.
Unfortunately, only (a) and (b) have a¬†high probability.
BuzzFlash book review of Thom Hartmann’s Independent Thinker.
Norm Jenson on Edwards for President.
The Surreal Life – Bush’s ‘New’ Iraq Plan, at Progressive Daily Beacon.
Dan Kurtzman’s 2006¬†”Best of ‘The Best’ Lists.”
Joe Lieberman’s declaration of war on Iran, by Glenn Greenwald.