In a bizarre combination of¬†the War on Terror and the War on Christmas, the Bush Administration today canceled this year’s Yuletide¬†celebration, after arresting Santa Claus for aiding and abetting terrorism, and designating him as an enemy combatant.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez announced that Old St. Nick had been tracked by the FBI for some time, since he fit the classic terrorist profile: a¬†bearded holy man who took flying lessons, repeatedly entered and left this Country without a passport,¬†and controlled a tightly knit cell of subordinates who manufacture concealed¬†packages –¬†that Santa delivers to his network in the dark of night.
Gonzalez further stated that based on warrantless intercepts¬†of phone calls¬†and emails between the North Pole and Detroit, Michigan, U.S. authorities were able to¬†uncover Santa’s “naughty and nice” lists, that¬†implicated him in various Al-Qaeda related activities.
The AG also asserted¬†that the final nail in¬†the jolly fat man’s coffin was provided by satellite photos, which¬†caught Osammy kissing Santa Claus.¬†
Santa¬†by all accounts is being held at Guantanamo, where he reportedly has been waterboarded, forced to live in squalor among reindeer feces, and purposely left alone with his thick black belt to encourage him to hang himself.
Gonzalez, however, insisted that this constituted¬†more humane treatment than Mr. Claus had originally received, when he was picked up in southern California and abused by L.A. cops.
On FOX News, Bill O’Reilly endorsed this particular War on Christmas, but warned that “the United States faces a long and arduous battle against the Santa terror network that is not for the faint of heart, or all of those Claus-coddling liberals.”¬†
O’Reilly also pointed to the fact that “there are now Santa cells on virtually every street corner of our¬†cities and towns, and they’ve apparently even infiltrated the Salvation Army.”
In related news, Keith Olbermann opened his commentary this evening by stating, “No, Virginia, apparently there is no Santa Claus, or habeas corpus.”
George Lakoff¬†at BuzzFlash: Building on the Progressive Victory.¬†¬†
This Week In God, with Daily Show’s Samantha Bee, at One Good Move.
John Amato, on Newsweek’s “cover-up” of favorable Hillary polling.
Gates already delusional, at Progressive Daily Beacon.
Booman, on the case for Impeachment.
Brownback’s Own Secrets, by Nitpicker at Unclaimed Territory.