Concerned that the GOP might resort to desperate measures to “recapture” the Senate, Democrats today posted more than a dozen armed Brinks Guards at the hospital bedside of recuperating Senator Tim Johnson.

Incoming Majority Leader Harry Reid explained that antennas were raised when an overweight nurse, who looked suspiciously like Dick Cheney, walked into Johnson’s room and announced: “Time for your sponge bath, Senator.”

However, the “nurse” was¬†apprehended before doing any harm,¬†after being overheard tellling an orderly to “Get the F**k Outta’ Here!”

Reid added that “if the Republican leadership had employed such ingenuity in Iraq, perhaps we wouldn’t be facing a mess worse than a week-old bedpan.”

In a reversal of usual form, the Democratic caucus held a vigil praying for Johnson to “stay the course,” while the GOP called on the Reverends Falwell and Robertson to intervene with God, so that Johnson will “cut and run.” However, John McCain remained consistent, urging an extra “surge” of blood pressure to “get the job done.”

But perhaps the biggest turnabout came from Senator Bill Frist, himself a lame duck, who made a diagnosis of Johnson from the Senate Floor, declaring him clinically dead.

However, sources indicate that even if Johnson survives, the GOP will claim him as one of their own, based on the incoherence of his last public utterances.

Similarly, the Democrats are also war-gaming their worst case scenario, and thus plan to consult with the special effects coordinator from Weekend at Bernie’s.