President Bush yesterday fired Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, in a last-ditch attempt to rally¬†his base¬†and stave off¬†a GOP disaster in the midterm elections.
When told that the election had already taken place, and that his party had suffered a bloodbath worthy of “Fight Club of Fallujah,”¬†Bush explained¬†that he must’ve been relying on the official GOP Calendar, which is based on the 19th Century.
However, when informed of the GOP’s disastrous loss of both houses of Congress,¬†Bush¬†admitted that he had been somewhat distracted by¬†a¬†contest he had entered into with Karl Rove: “Maybe if I had been more of a¬† delegator, and¬†less of a¬†masturbator, things woulda’ turned out differently.”
In fact, things went so badly for the Republicans,¬†they even lost the pedophile vote by a two-to-one margin.
In other key election developments, Democrats incredibly took Montana, but indicated that they might give it back, since they didn’t know quite what to do with it.¬† As one Democratic operative put it, “you can keep your¬†rafting, hiking,¬†and rock climbing — did you know it’s 500 miles between Starbucks in this god-forsaken place.”
However, despite its biggest setback since the passage of the New Deal, the Republican smear-machine is back in top form, attempting to paint¬†Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi as a cross betwen Karl Marx and Michael Corleone.
Consequently, in order to inoculate itself against such charges of partisanship, the new Democratic Congress is planning to immediately reopen investigations into … Whitewater and Monicagate.
Craig Ferguson’s¬†Rumsfeld Remembrance, courtesy of¬†One Good Move.
BuzzFlash: New Senate Faces 51 Federal Judge Vacancies and other Nominations.
Progressive Daily Beacon: Democratic Diversity Leads to Victory.
Madkane Gets Greedy.
Glenn Greenwald on Bush “bipartisanship.”