President Bush yesterday fired Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, in a last-ditch attempt to rally his base and stave off a GOP disaster in the midterm elections.

When told that the election had already taken place, and that his party had suffered a bloodbath worthy of “Fight Club of Fallujah,”¬†Bush explained¬†that he must’ve been relying on the official GOP Calendar, which is based on the 19th Century.

However, when informed of the GOP’s disastrous loss of both houses of Congress,¬†Bush¬†admitted that he had been somewhat distracted by¬†a¬†contest he had entered into with Karl Rove: “Maybe if I had been more of a¬† delegator, and¬†less of a¬†masturbator, things woulda’ turned out differently.”

In fact, things went so badly for the Republicans, they even lost the pedophile vote by a two-to-one margin.

In other key election developments, Democrats incredibly took Montana, but indicated that they might give it back, since they didn’t know quite what to do with it.¬† As one Democratic operative put it, “you can keep your¬†rafting, hiking,¬†and rock climbing — did you know it’s 500 miles between Starbucks in this god-forsaken place.”

However, despite its biggest setback since the passage of the New Deal, the Republican smear-machine is back in top form, attempting to paint Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi as a cross betwen Karl Marx and Michael Corleone.

Consequently, in order to inoculate itself against such charges of partisanship, the new Democratic Congress is planning to immediately reopen investigations into … Whitewater and Monicagate.

BLOGWORTHIES:

Craig Ferguson’s¬†Rumsfeld Remembrance, courtesy of¬†One Good Move.

BuzzFlash: New Senate Faces 51 Federal Judge Vacancies and other Nominations.

Progressive Daily Beacon: Democratic Diversity Leads to Victory.

Madkane Gets Greedy.

Glenn Greenwald on Bush “bipartisanship.”