[Editor's Note: Recently, the Rev. Jerry Falwell sent out an email to Christian evangelicals, urging them to support GOP candidates in the upcoming midterms.  For a "fair and balanced" response, we here at The Satirical Political Report believe that those good Christians are entitled to hear both sides of the story, and should consider other options, such as sitting this one out as a protest vote. Here then is our case to the faithful]:  

Alright, you marching-backward Christian soldiers.¬† So you’re still hung up¬†on the notion that we killed your Lord Savior (never mind that he was a socialist Jewish Rabbi).¬† But the Chosen¬†People are¬†willing¬†to¬†get past 2000 years of persecution at your hands, so let’s it call it even¬†and move on — (no, not MoveOn.org).¬† After all, Clemens pitched for the Yankees, so anything is possible.

Listen, I know you guys are prepared to turn out in huge numbers next week to back your boy Bush and the GOP Congress.  But maybe, just maybe, you should reconsider that rash decision, and just sit this one out.

Let’s take a minute to look at¬†the record, shall we:

What has Bush and his party¬†really done for you on the issues near and dear to your hearts. Take gay marriage. Bush¬†may talk a good game about marriage being between a man and a woman, but I don’t exactly see him showing up at gay weddings like Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate, shaking¬†the glass with arms spread like Christ, and screaming for the ceremony to stop.

And when was the last time you saw Dubya actually wielding a cross in defense of his principles?¬† Hoffman did it, and he’s¬†a Jew.

Moreover, if you check the internets and the googles, you’ll find out that Bush actually “gave Ken Mehlman away” at a lavish ceremony in some log cabin at Campy David.

And what about abortion? — again he talks the talk, but where’s the walk? When you guys are standing up all night outside the abortion clinic, trying to intimidate some poor teenage girl who was raped by her drunken stepfather, where was Bush? ¬†Probably watching football in his warm footie pajamas with the Diebold logo, eatin’ pretzels, and falling asleep by 9:30 p.m.

Stem cells? Just more of the same. OK, Bush stopped federal funding on new embryonic stem cell lines, but where are the midnight raids on fertility clinics, to rescue those poor frozen embryos who are gonna’ get tossed like yesterday’s trash?¬† (How’s that idea for a new FOX show, RESCUE EMBRYOS.)

On foreign policy, also all talk, no action.¬† He may¬†have promised to hasten Armageddon and the return of Christ, but if he really meant it, wouldn’t we be invading Iran and North Korea right now, instead of just using our young men and women as¬†cannon fodder in¬†Fallujah?

And perhaps if Bush wasn’t so busy praying to save his own butt from the fallout in Iraq, he’d have time to put prayer back in the schools, not to mention the teaching of “intelligent design.” (By the way, did you know that most designers were gay?)

And let’s not even talk about the homosexual pedophiles in the House of Sodom and Gomorrah, parading around like a production of La Cage aux Foley.

So when election day rolls around next week, why bother with the lines and hassles at the polls, rubbing elbows with illegal immigrants, and voting for folks who merely use and abuse you, but never actually put it on the line for good Christians like yourselves. Remember, the baby Jesus never let you down.

Why waste time with an election, when the key to salvation is genuflection. Besides, why “stay the course,” when you can … STAY THE CROSS.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash Analysis: Wouldn’t a Real “Moderate Republican” be a Democrat?

Norm Jenson with The Daily Show in O-hi-o.

All Hat No Cattle’s Halloween Edition.

Progressive Daily Beacon on “Why You Must Vote.”

Crooks & Liars with Colbert on Limbaugh.

Glenn Greenwald: Halperin and Hewitt and the national media.

Madkane’s Ode to Lynne Cheney.¬† Speaking of which, I have it on good authority that in connection with her book about lesbian love, Lynne Cheney secretly met in Prague with Ellen DeGeneres.