In a desperate attempt to save his own rather formidable behind, as well as that of the GOP in the upcoming mid-terms, House Speaker Denny Hastert has come up with a somewhat unique “defense” to the Foley fiasco, asserting that “at least our pages aren’t sex slaves.”

Realizing that his attempt to blame William Jefferson Clinton was falling flat, Hastert reached back over 200 years in U.S. history to point the finger at Thomas Jefferson. Hastert claimed that our third President not only stole Sally Hemings from the African Student Exchange Page program, but used her as his personal sex slave.

Hastert alleged that Jefferson tried to seduce and enslave other pages, but by the time¬† his provocative messages reached their intended targets via Pony Express, Jefferson’s two terms as President had already expired.¬†

The Speaker also asserted that Jefferson was the first political cross-dresser, since the party he founded was named the Democratic-Republicans.

Republican leaders in Congress, trying to mimimize their own transgressions,¬†also claimed that Jefferson’s famous “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” which is enshrined in the Declaration of Independence, was nothing more than a convenient cover for the promiscuous lifestyle that is morally repugnant¬†to all¬†people of faith.¬†

“Indeed,” added Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, “we have Jefferson to blame for that blasphemous concept of separation of Church and State.”

Finally, the GOP claimed that Jefferson’s corruption was not only sexual but financial: “the Louisiana purchase¬†was a huge rip-off of the French, that makes Jack Abramoff’s dealings with Indian tribes seem like child’s play.”

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