While the right of gays to adopt children is shaping up as another front in the culture wars, the Christian Right appears to be taking the battle one step further.

In a joint statement issued yesterday, those twin-guardians of “family values,” the Reverends Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, kicked off their campaign to bar homosexuals from Adopt-a-Highway programs.

Asked at their news conference how they even learned that gays were adopting highways, Dr. Falwell replied that the omnipresent green highway signs were giving way to purple, show tunes were being piped into rest-stop bathrooms, and highway medians started getting thinner and neater.

Dr. Robertson stated that he was particularly troubled by the special treatment accorded gays by HOV lanes, and that the E-Z Pass System was a coded message for the promiscuous gay lifestyle.

Both Falwell and Robertson predicted that any highways that continued to be sponsored by gays or bisexuals would be punished through eternal “Godlock.”

President Bush immediately threw his support behind such legislation, asserting that “highways are more sacred to Americans than even marriage, and should be defined as a place where bickering should take place only between a man and a woman.”

Leading gay rights organizations quckly assailed the proposal, claiming that the original American highway travelers, Lewis and Clark, were gay lovers. A spokesperson for the Gay and Lesbian Alliance added that the father of the modern interstate highway system, President Eisenhower, inspired men as well as women to wear “I Like Ike” buttons.

Drs. Falwell and Robertson concluded their press conference by revealing their next crusade, to amend “America The Beautiful,” by deleting the lyrics “For Purple Mountain Majesties, Above the Fruited Plain.”

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