In an effort to prevent the gravest threat to the survival of the GOP, President Bush has announced¬†that he will send¬†the entire National Guard to Borders bookstores across the nation.
Addressing the country in a prime-time speech, Mr. Bush explained that the only way for him to even¬†maintain his miniscule approval ratings was to ensure that no additional¬†citizens have access to books or other reading material, and thus develop the type of¬†critical thinking that is fatal to Republican domination.
The President also stated that this extraordinary deployment of the National Guard would have a dual benefit: not only will it prevent additional people from becoming educated, but it would effectively seal off and imprison in the bookstores those unpatriotic intellectuals who were already inside.
Mr. Bush also dismissed the concerns of such international watchdog organizations as Amnesty International and the Red Cross, who maintain that for those imprisoned in the bookstores,¬†serious violations of the Geneva Convention will occur once their supply of coffee and cappucino¬†runs out.
However, the President’s latest attempt to mollify his base appears to be unsuccessful, since House GOP leaders are demanding that National Guard units also shut down schools, libraries, and the internet, except for the website of Minutemen.com.
In related news, Mr. Bush also reassured the nation that while he will¬†aggressively¬†enforce¬†laws to limit the influx of Mexican¬†landscapers, he has no intention of disturbing our national policy of incurring more foreign debt, and thus effectively selling our¬†entire land to the Chinese.¬†¬†¬†