While the world’s most talented team of surgeons has just¬†successfully¬†separated a pair of 5-month-old conjoined twins, they were unable to duplicate this feat with the President and Vice-President.

Luring Cheney to the Mayo Clinic on the pretense that it was a place to get a six-foot hero sandwich, surgeons desperately tried to free Bush from his two-term attachment to the Veep.¬† However,¬†they were completely thwarted by what is¬†commonly known¬†as “butt-puppet syndrome” — in this case, Cheney’s right hand stuck up Bush’s ass so as to control his¬†mouth.

This development comes on the eve of a widely-expected “non-medical separation” involving Bush, as the anticipated indictment of Karl Rove will effectively remove Bush’s brain.

Surgeons have also declined Bush’s¬†request for¬†a face transplant, a revolutionary¬†technique that was recently done¬†for a French woman.¬† Although Bush was even willing to take the woman’s old face, on the theory that looking French could only¬†improve his abysmal poll ratings, the¬†exclusive patents on¬†that “look” are apparently held by John Kerry.¬†¬†¬†

In related news, although Mayo Clinic doctors are highly optimistic about future medical breakthroughs, they have all but given up hope that they’ll be able to¬†surgically remove Rumsfeld’s foot from his mouth.

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“Patriot” John McCain’s new slogan: “Give me Liberty University, or give me political death.”¬†

Speaking of the enlightened, in the latest NBC News/Wall St. Journal Poll, 92% of Americans identifying themselves as “evangelicals” believe that warrantless spying by the NSA should be conducted only on gays and lesbians.

BLOGWORTHIES:

Raw Story on Cheney’s push for domestic wiretapping.

My DD’s Matt Stoller on “Bush’s Rebound Narrative.”¬†

Progressive Daily Beacon on Bush’s Border Disorder.

Of course, there’s always this “modest proposal” for border security.¬†