In a stunning expose that makes Oliver North look like a choir boy — at least one not molested by a priest — Sy Hersh has blown the lid off audacious plans by the Bush Administration to abolish all birth control: the Iran-Contra-Contraception scandal.

According to secret Pentagon sources, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is orchestrating a scheme to sell the Iranians nuclear technology — in opposition to official U.S. policy — and use the funds to sabotage family planning clinics all over the world.

Heading to Iran with a signed Koran and a cake in the shape of a virgin, Rumsfeld has promised that the Administration would not only directly fund Iran’s nuclear enrichment program, but would also subsidize the Iranian economy by purchasing all of its surplus burkas, to be foisted upon women here in the United States.

Anonymous sources also confirm that this is the real reason that the Bush Administration is a veritable Alumni Association of crooks and felons from the original Iran-Contra scandal, including John Negroponte, John Poindexter, Elliott Abrams, and Otto Reich.

As a result of these revelations, Special Prosecutor Fitzgerald is expected to expand his present inquiry to investigate these charges, including the allegation that high Administration officials have shredded condoms, diaphragms and the Today Sponges.

Taking his cue from both his own father and Ronald Reagan, President Bush insists that he had no knowledge of trading “Nuclear Charity for Chastity.”

Also, like his dad, the President, in one last desperate attempt to shore up his plummeting popularity, has challenged Dan Rather to question him on television about this issue, during the next U.S. Tennis Open.

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More on the War — on Contraception.

The latest New York Times/CBS News Poll indicates that while 68% of Americans view the President’s handling of Iraq unfavorably, the same percentage would actually prefer Mr. Bush to become the President of Iraq.