Anonymous sources have revealed that there is no truth to¬†current reports that Iraqi soldiers are insisting on serving in their home areas. To the contrary, in¬†a stunning blow to¬†Administration plans for a draw-down of American forces in favor of “Iraqi-ization,”¬†the entire Iraqi army has now demanded transfers — completely out of Iraq.

As expressed by one Master-Sergeant in the Iraqi military, “I’ll even settle for Afghanistan, anything to get out of this meshuganah place.”¬† One corporal even asked if there was a U.S. military base in Buffalo, N.Y., stating that he had repeatedly “heard¬†from your Mr.Tim Russert that it is a modern-day Shangri-La.”

Although Muslim men are, of course, literally medieval about traditional gender roles, every recruit who went on record said that in order to escape their current living hell, they’d be willing to serve with women, gays, and if necessary,¬†even RuPaul.¬†

While this appears to be a major setback to Administration policy, James Baker, who is leading¬†a task force to devise creative solutions to Iraq,¬†has come up with a “modest proposal.”¬†

Under the “Baker Plan,” all Iraqi military personnel will be assigned border-protection duty in the familiar climate of the southern United States, and the “Minutemen,” who are currently handling those duties, will be dispatched to Iraq, where their lifespans will then closely mirror their nickname.

As part of this new strategy, President Bush announced today that in an effort to bolster the morale of U.S. troops remaining in Iraq permanently, he was immediately appointing Stephen Colbert as the resident comedian of Karbala.

BLOGWORTHIES:

MzNicky at Jesus’ General on the media’s “untruthiness” on Colbert’s performance.

Progressive Daily Beacon Commentary on Bush’s¬†contempt¬†of the Founding Fathers.

Cookie Jill at Skippy on brownskins as red herrings.