In a¬†recently declassified intelligence document, obtained from Israel’s Mossad, it appears that Moses did not initially disclose the entire Ten Commandments, but selectively leaked certain portions, in order to solidify his power over the Israelites during their¬†Exodus from Egypt.

First, concerned that his minions might question his leadership and authority, Moses deliberately withheld the first two Commandments: “Do Not Worship¬†Other Gods,” and “Do Not Make Any Idols.”

Also, although it was way down on the list as the 10th and last Commandment, Moses mischaracterized “Do Not Covet” as a “key judgment,” in order to justify the hoarding of 89% of the manna for the top 1% of the Israelites.

But perhaps most troubling, in order to combat¬†his declining popularity –¬†as evidenced¬†by the¬†widespread kvetching over the 40-year Exodus — Moses greatly exaggerated the threat from the Pharoah, asserting¬†that the Pyramids were really¬†secret laboratories housing biological and chemical weapons. Indeed, Moses put out the story that two of the plagues visited upon the Egyptians — “Pestilence” and “Boils” — actually came from the Pharoah’s own stockpiles.

Moses also “oversold”¬†the effectiveness of the “Plague of Darkness,”¬†since contrary to¬†Biblical accounts, it did not affect the entire Egyptian populace, but only Vice-Pharoah Cheney, and the leading Egyptian journalist of the day, Raamses Novak.

But clearly Moses’ most controversial¬†leak, and the one that ultimately led to his impeachment, involved his false suggestion¬†that his brother Aaron was building a golden calf.¬† Biblical scholars and archaeologists have since been able to establish¬†that the calf in question contained no gold, but was actually constructed of aluminum tubing.¬†¬†

NOTE TO MY FELLOW JEWISH READERS: I sincerely hope that you have a happy and healthy Passover, and if your family is anything like mine, you won’t be surprised if:¬†¬†

The Four Questions turn into arguments

Over the Exodus through the Red Sea

“Whaddya’ talkin’ parting?”

“They shoulda’ taken the L.I.E.”

 

BLOGWORTHIES: 

If you haven’t seen it yet, check out the BuzzFlash review of the Melissa Rossi book, What Every American Should Know About Who’s Really Running The World.

Thoughtful reporting¬†on issues of “religious tolerance” over at One Good Move.¬†

Madkane with your Nuclear Rhymes of the day.