In an eleventh-hour compromise to salvage an immigration bill this term, Congress has tentatively agreed to a novel proposal, that would require all illegal immigrants, as a condition of citizenship, to serve as border guards.

Leaders of both parties hailed¬†this innovative breakthrough as a way to “kill two birds with one stone.”¬† As stated by Senator McCain, “it will immediately¬†beef up border security, while at the same time clearing¬†major cities of the huge protests that resemble the¬†traffic jams in¬†New York¬†during the Puerto Rican Day Parade.”

Even Lou Dobbs has endorsed this proposal, saying “that it takes one to catch one,” and¬† “who better than the illegals to¬†know the locations of all the secret tunnels and holes in the fences.”¬† “Besides,” Mr. Dobbs added, “instead of¬†sitting around doing nothing during lulls in¬†illegal¬†crossings, they can pick crops and trim the brush near the borders.”¬†

To allay concerns that this will actually create a shortage of¬†day laborers for menial jobs in the non-border states,¬†Democrats have offered an amendment that would¬†employ all of the ex-GOP congressmen, lobbyists and Administration officials who are serving prison time. Since, with the possible exception of Claude “The Fraud” Allen, all of these convicts are White, there would be no appearance of¬†a return to slavery.¬†

According to one Democratic Hill staffer, “the real genius of this particular feature is that you don’t have the hassle or expense of criminal background checks; you already know everyone is a criminal.”

However, some ultra-conservative GOP congressmen have refused to sign off on this proposal, and are sponsoring an alternative bill that would immediately deport all illegal immigrants, regardless of how long they’ve been here, or¬†the extent of¬†their family ties.¬† The only immigrants allowed, indeed required,¬†to stay, would be¬†Cuban kids whose sole living parent is back in Havana, or illegals who are either¬†fetuses or in a coma.

President Bush, who¬†supports the compromise bill, has also¬†promised to give a pardon to all vigilantes involved in border enforcement incidents, explaining that these “Minutemen” should be cut some “slack” because of¬†their problems with premature ejaculation.

 

BLOGWORTHIES:¬†¬†For a whole new¬†perspective on “classified information,” check out the terrific guest piece by Larry Beinhart on BuzzFlash.

And for a great source of hard news, commentary and satire, The Progressive Daily Beacon consistently brings home the bacon.