As Tom DeLay prepares to leave one public institution, and hopefully take up residence in another, it strikes me as somewhat ironic that a guy who used to be an exterminator, has the unique ability to make you feel like your skin is crawling with bugs.

And can we please stop with those trite, semi-racist jokes about DeLay being sodomized in prison by “big black convicts.” Besides, those home boys wouldn’t dare touch DeLay once he gets himself elected President of his local chapter of The Aryan Brotherhood.

After much analysis, I’ve finally figured out what the extreme Right-Wing wants in an immigration bill: All “illegals” should be immediately deported in shackles and chains, unless, of course, they’re either (1) a Cuban child whose only surviving parent is back in Havana, or (2) in a coma.

In the latest development in the Jack Abramoff “Gambling Casino” case, the Court has rejected a request from the victimized Indian Tribes that Abramoff’s punishment include a “scalping.” However, the Judge has agreed to seriously consider the Tribes’ fallback position, that Abramoff be publicly re-circumcised.

Now, I don’t want to say that things are taking a turn for the worse in Iraq, but there have been reports of a Michael Buffer sighting in Baghdadison Square Garden, bellowing out his patented “Let’s Get Ready To Rumblllllllllle!”

And speaking of fights, I can’t help but conceive of the White House daily press briefings as a boxing match, and all I can hear are the dulcet tones of Howard Cosell, repeatedly screaming: “Down Goes McClellan! Down Goes McClellan! Down Goes McClellan!” [I suppose all the octagenarian bloggers are now gonna' post comments criticizing me for not going with "Schmeling."]

THE ULTIMATE BLOGWORTHIES: Congratulations to all of the winners in the prestigious 2005 Koufax Awards, including the great Crooks and Liars, and the winner in my genre of humor, the one and only Gen. JC Christian at Jesus’ General.

Now, although I just joined the fray in 2006, and therefore wasn’t even eligible, I am proud to say that I did receive a few write-in votes — from my mom, her Mah Jongg gang down in Phase II of the Pines in Plantation, and that homeless dude down the street, who swears on a stack of filthy tupperware that he used to be the head writer for Carson.