The Satirical Political Report

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June 21st, 2014

Daniel Snyder Gives Up ‘Redskins,’ Ignites Firestorm With New Nickname

Washington Redskins' Owner Daniel Snyder

“WE’VE FINALLY SEEN THE ERROR OF OUR WAYS. INSTEAD OF THE ‘REDSKINS,’ THE NEW TEAM WILL BE KNOWN AS THE ‘WASHINGTON GAMBLING CASINO OPERATORS.‘ AND INSTEAD OF NORMAL NUMBERS, THE PLAYERS WILL BE WEARING ‘ODDS’ — SUCH AS 2-1, 7-5.”

June 20th, 2014

Rick Perry ‘Changes’ Tune on Homosexuality – Now Compares It to ‘Imbecilism’

Texas Gov. Rick Perry addresses the Commonwealth Club at the Intercontinental Mark Hopkins hotel in San Francisco in a wideranging talk that also included comments on climate change. Photo: Kevin N. Hume, The Chronicle

“WHAT I REALLY MEANT TO SAY IS THAT HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT LIKE ALCOHOLISM, BUT ACTUALLY MORE LIKE ‘IMBECILISM’ — BECAUSE SOMETIMES, TRY AS THEY MIGHT, A PERSON JUST CAN’T OVERCOME THEIR INHERENT GENETIC MAKEUP.”

Story here.

April 27th, 2014

Donald Sterling’s Latest Offense: Hires Cliven Bundy as Clipper’s Coach

“I TOLD MR. STERLING THAT INSTEAD OF THE NEGROES JUST STANDING AROUND IN THE PAINT OR BY THE THREE POINT LINE, THEY WERE BETTER OFF IN SLAVERY DAYS, WHERE THEY COULD DUNK THEIR CHICKENS THROUGH THEIR COTTON BASKETS.”

April 5th, 2014

Looting Breaks Out at Showing of Rumsfeld Movie

Donald Rumsfeld with Errol Morris

“THERE ARE UNKNOWNS THAT ARE KNOWN, AND UNKNOWNS THAT ARE UNKNOWN, BUT THE ONE THING WE CLEARLY KNOW … IS THAT IN ANY FILM FEATURING MY CONSUMMATE BULLSHIT, THE MOVIE PROJECTOR WILL BE THE FIRST THING TO GO.”

March 27th, 2014

Christie’s Lawyer Blames George Washington Bridge Scandal on George Washington

Randy Mastro with report

Randy Mastro with report

“ALTHOUGH GEORGE WASHINGTON FAILED TO RESPOND TO OUR REQUEST FOR AN INTERVIEW, WE’VE BEEN ABLE TO ESTABLISH THAT HE NOT ONLY CHOPPED DOWN THE CHERRY TREE, BUT LAID IT ACROSS THREE LANES OF THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE … ALL TO MAKE CHRIS CHRISTIE LOOK BAD FOR FAILING TO ENDORSE HIM.”

March 25th, 2014

Scalia Extends Hobby Lobby’s Religious Arguments, to Hobbies!

Antonin Scalia

“LET’S SAY YOUR HOBBY IS STAMP COLLECTING, AND YOU ALSO HAVE STRONG RELIGIOUS OBJECTIONS TO OBAMACARE. DON’T YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DISCRIMINATE AGAINST SOMEONE WITH A CLARA BARTON STAMP, ESPECIALLY IF THEY COME INTO YOUR LOBBY?”

Clara Barton

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Mark Karlin, Editor of Buzzflash at Truthout, on the Numbing Down of America About Big Oil.

February 7th, 2014

Chris Christie Enlists Ben Stein to Attack Wildstein’s High School Record

chris christie

“Not only do I not know what David Wildstein was doing in high school, but I understand he didn’t even attend class.”

http://media4.s-nbcnews.com/j/streams/2013/April/130417/1C6963224-ss-110805-teachers-beuller.blocks_desktop_medium.jpg

Wildstein? Wildstein? Are you playing hooky with Bueller?

February 2nd, 2014

Chris Christie Helps Seahawks Win Super Bowl

Chris Christie

FORGET RICHARD SHERMAN, IF THE SEAHAWKS REALLY WANT TO CONTROL PEYTON MANNING, I KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO SHUT DOWN SOME OF HIS PASSING LANES.”

RICHARD SHERMAN AND PEYTON MANNING

 

January 29th, 2014

GOP’s SOTU Response: Ms. Rodgers Channels Mr. Rogers

Cathy McMorris Rodgers

Cathy McMorris Rodgers

“IT’S A WONDERFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, A WONDERFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD … AND THAT’S ABOUT ALL WE GOT!”

January 26th, 2014

Huckabee Now Attacks Showtime’s Libidinous ‘Masters of Sex’

“I’VE NEVER ACTUALLY SEEN THE PROGRAM, BUT I’M DISGUSTED BY THE FACT THAT THE OBAMA ADMINISTATION IS PERMITTING AN ENTIRE SHOW ABOUT A GUY MASTURBATING HIS JOHNSON.”

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