The Satirical Political Report

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March 20th, 2015

Capitalizing on Huge ‘Durst’ Ratings, HBO Spins Off New Series: ‘Bathroom Confessions’

HBO’s Richard Plepler

“This promises to be even bigger than Taxicab Confessions. Not only will it feature more dramatic and serious crimes, but it sets out to undermine the myth that most people get their biggest brainstorms sitting on the crapper. As Robert Durst taught us, sometimes the bathroom is where the biggest shitstorms take place, and the guilty actually shit all over themselves.”

Robert Durst on Jinx

March 14th, 2015

Hillary To Further Address Email Controversy With Campaign Song

hillary clinton republican senators iran letter

Hey! Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!
Hey! Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!
Hey! Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!
Don’t hang around cause two candidates are a crowd

File:Get Off of My Cloud cover.jpg

March 13th, 2015

John McCain, Claiming Confusion, Disavows Letter to Iran

“I really thought we were just sending them some sheet music from the Hits of the 60′s: Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb-Bomb Iran .”

March 12th, 2015

The 47 Senators’ Letter to Mitt’s 47%

Senator Tom Cotton

“What choice do we really have but the military option. We simply can’t afford the risk that these these people will secretly try to enrich their lives, thus endangering the security of the 1%.”

David Dent: 47 Republican Senators to Sponsor Fraternity Party Bus.

Mark Karlin of BuzzFlash at Truthout — Abominable Injustice: Black Man’s 13-Year Sentence for Two Joints of Pot.

March 4th, 2015

Netanyahu Urges Additional Sanctions on Iran: ‘The Ten Plagues’

 

Netanyahu

“I Think The Key Plague Is Really Locusts. Have You Ever Tried To Enrich Uranium With Those Little Buggers Up Your Ass?”

The Ten Plagues — Locusts

March 3rd, 2015

Jewish Dems Take Compromise ‘Stand’ at Bibi’s Congressional Speech

SCHUMER

“WE DIDN’T KNOW WHETHER TO SIT OR STAND AT THE APPLAUSE LINES, SO WE JUST ‘PASSED OVER’ THE WHOLE PROBLEM BY LISTENING IN A RECLINING POSITION.”

March 1st, 2015

Bill O’Reilly’s Latest Scandal: Overhypes His Coverage of the War on Xmas

http://static6.businessinsider.com/image/52b99a5769bedd35628be062/why-the-religious-right-is-losing-the-war-on-christmas.jpg

“DON’T BELIEVE THOSE OUTRAGEOUS LIES. I WASN’T JUST COVERING STREET PROTESTS ON FIFTH AVENUE, I WAS ACTUALLY IN SAKS FIFTH AVENUE WHEN THE SALESGIRL SPRAYED ME WITH COLOGNE AND SAID ‘HAPPY HOLIDAYS‘.”

September 15th, 2014

How The NFL’s Mentality Led to Botch of Ray Rice Affair

NFL Referee reviewing play

“ON CLOSER EXAMINATION, IT APPEARS THAT JANAY PALMER FUMBLED HER PURSE … BEFORE HER FACE HIT THE GROUND.”

June 21st, 2014

Daniel Snyder Gives Up ‘Redskins,’ Ignites Firestorm With New Nickname

Washington Redskins' Owner Daniel Snyder

“WE’VE FINALLY SEEN THE ERROR OF OUR WAYS. INSTEAD OF THE ‘REDSKINS,’ THE NEW TEAM WILL BE KNOWN AS THE ‘WASHINGTON GAMBLING CASINO OPERATORS.‘ AND INSTEAD OF NORMAL NUMBERS, THE PLAYERS WILL BE WEARING ‘ODDS’ — SUCH AS 2-1, 7-5.”

June 20th, 2014

Rick Perry ‘Changes’ Tune on Homosexuality – Now Compares It to ‘Imbecilism’

Texas Gov. Rick Perry addresses the Commonwealth Club at the Intercontinental Mark Hopkins hotel in San Francisco in a wideranging talk that also included comments on climate change. Photo: Kevin N. Hume, The Chronicle

“WHAT I REALLY MEANT TO SAY IS THAT HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT LIKE ALCOHOLISM, BUT ACTUALLY MORE LIKE ‘IMBECILISM’ — BECAUSE SOMETIMES, TRY AS THEY MIGHT, A PERSON JUST CAN’T OVERCOME THEIR INHERENT GENETIC MAKEUP.”

Story here.

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