The Satirical Political Report

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March 4th, 2015

Netanyahu Urges Additional Sanctions on Iran: ‘The Ten Plagues’

 

Netanyahu

“I Think The Key Plague Is Really Locusts. Have You Ever Tried To Enrich Uranium With Those Little Buggers Up Your Ass?”

The Ten Plagues — Locusts

March 3rd, 2015

Jewish Dems Take Compromise ‘Stand’ at Bibi’s Congressional Speech

SCHUMER

“WE DIDN’T KNOW WHETHER TO SIT OR STAND AT THE APPLAUSE LINES, SO WE JUST ‘PASSED OVER’ THE WHOLE PROBLEM BY LISTENING IN A RECLINING POSITION.”

March 1st, 2015

Bill O’Reilly’s Latest Scandal: Overhypes His Coverage of the War on Xmas

http://static6.businessinsider.com/image/52b99a5769bedd35628be062/why-the-religious-right-is-losing-the-war-on-christmas.jpg

“DON’T BELIEVE THOSE OUTRAGEOUS LIES. I WASN’T JUST COVERING STREET PROTESTS ON FIFTH AVENUE, I WAS ACTUALLY IN SAKS FIFTH AVENUE WHEN THE SALESGIRL SPRAYED ME WITH COLOGNE AND SAID ‘HAPPY HOLIDAYS‘.”

September 15th, 2014

How The NFL’s Mentality Led to Botch of Ray Rice Affair

NFL Referee reviewing play

“ON CLOSER EXAMINATION, IT APPEARS THAT JANAY PALMER FUMBLED HER PURSE … BEFORE HER FACE HIT THE GROUND.”

June 21st, 2014

Daniel Snyder Gives Up ‘Redskins,’ Ignites Firestorm With New Nickname

Washington Redskins' Owner Daniel Snyder

“WE’VE FINALLY SEEN THE ERROR OF OUR WAYS. INSTEAD OF THE ‘REDSKINS,’ THE NEW TEAM WILL BE KNOWN AS THE ‘WASHINGTON GAMBLING CASINO OPERATORS.‘ AND INSTEAD OF NORMAL NUMBERS, THE PLAYERS WILL BE WEARING ‘ODDS’ — SUCH AS 2-1, 7-5.”

June 20th, 2014

Rick Perry ‘Changes’ Tune on Homosexuality – Now Compares It to ‘Imbecilism’

Texas Gov. Rick Perry addresses the Commonwealth Club at the Intercontinental Mark Hopkins hotel in San Francisco in a wideranging talk that also included comments on climate change. Photo: Kevin N. Hume, The Chronicle

“WHAT I REALLY MEANT TO SAY IS THAT HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT LIKE ALCOHOLISM, BUT ACTUALLY MORE LIKE ‘IMBECILISM’ — BECAUSE SOMETIMES, TRY AS THEY MIGHT, A PERSON JUST CAN’T OVERCOME THEIR INHERENT GENETIC MAKEUP.”

Story here.

April 27th, 2014

Donald Sterling’s Latest Offense: Hires Cliven Bundy as Clipper’s Coach

“I TOLD MR. STERLING THAT INSTEAD OF THE NEGROES JUST STANDING AROUND IN THE PAINT OR BY THE THREE POINT LINE, THEY WERE BETTER OFF IN SLAVERY DAYS, WHERE THEY COULD DUNK THEIR CHICKENS THROUGH THEIR COTTON BASKETS.”

April 5th, 2014

Looting Breaks Out at Showing of Rumsfeld Movie

Donald Rumsfeld with Errol Morris

“THERE ARE UNKNOWNS THAT ARE KNOWN, AND UNKNOWNS THAT ARE UNKNOWN, BUT THE ONE THING WE CLEARLY KNOW … IS THAT IN ANY FILM FEATURING MY CONSUMMATE BULLSHIT, THE MOVIE PROJECTOR WILL BE THE FIRST THING TO GO.”

March 27th, 2014

Christie’s Lawyer Blames George Washington Bridge Scandal on George Washington

Randy Mastro with report

Randy Mastro with report

“ALTHOUGH GEORGE WASHINGTON FAILED TO RESPOND TO OUR REQUEST FOR AN INTERVIEW, WE’VE BEEN ABLE TO ESTABLISH THAT HE NOT ONLY CHOPPED DOWN THE CHERRY TREE, BUT LAID IT ACROSS THREE LANES OF THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE … ALL TO MAKE CHRIS CHRISTIE LOOK BAD FOR FAILING TO ENDORSE HIM.”

March 25th, 2014

Scalia Extends Hobby Lobby’s Religious Arguments, to Hobbies!

Antonin Scalia

“LET’S SAY YOUR HOBBY IS STAMP COLLECTING, AND YOU ALSO HAVE STRONG RELIGIOUS OBJECTIONS TO OBAMACARE. DON’T YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DISCRIMINATE AGAINST SOMEONE WITH A CLARA BARTON STAMP, ESPECIALLY IF THEY COME INTO YOUR LOBBY?”

Clara Barton

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Mark Karlin, Editor of Buzzflash at Truthout, on the Numbing Down of America About Big Oil.

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