The Satirical Political Report

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April 7th, 2015

Rand Paul Declares Candidacy, Plans To Target ‘Low Flow’ Voters

“As my followers know, the biggest influence on my politics was Ayn Rand’s game-changing book, The Showerhead.”

The Showerhead Image

April 2nd, 2015

Hoosier Governor Now Blames Gay Rights Movement on ‘Hoosiers’ Movie

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence speaks during a press conference at the Indiana State Library in Indianapolis on March 31, 2015.

“This whole mess really started with Gene Hackman’s gay hand-holding rituals in ‘Hoosiers,’ which in turn led to ass-slapping on the court, which then led to … well, the rest is history.”

March 31st, 2015

Indiana’s ‘Religious Freedom’ Law Already Backfires on Evangelicals

Kimmie Barnett

As the proprietor of this erotic bakery, my religion is the Kama Sutra. I therefore had to tell this Christian couple that my conscience forbade me from baking a cake depicting the “missionary position.”

March 20th, 2015

Capitalizing on Huge ‘Durst’ Ratings, HBO Spins Off New Series: ‘Bathroom Confessions’

HBO’s Richard Plepler

“This promises to be even bigger than Taxicab Confessions. Not only will it feature more dramatic and serious crimes, but it sets out to undermine the myth that most people get their biggest brainstorms sitting on the crapper. As Robert Durst taught us, sometimes the bathroom is where the biggest shitstorms take place, and the guilty actually shit all over themselves.”

Robert Durst on Jinx

March 14th, 2015

Hillary To Further Address Email Controversy With Campaign Song

hillary clinton republican senators iran letter

Hey! Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!
Hey! Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!
Hey! Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!
Don’t hang around cause two candidates are a crowd

File:Get Off of My Cloud cover.jpg

March 13th, 2015

John McCain, Claiming Confusion, Disavows Letter to Iran

“I really thought we were just sending them some sheet music from the Hits of the 60′s: Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb-Bomb Iran .”

March 12th, 2015

The 47 Senators’ Letter to Mitt’s 47%

Senator Tom Cotton

“What choice do we really have but the military option. We simply can’t afford the risk that these these people will secretly try to enrich their lives, thus endangering the security of the 1%.”

David Dent: 47 Republican Senators to Sponsor Fraternity Party Bus.

Mark Karlin of BuzzFlash at Truthout — Abominable Injustice: Black Man’s 13-Year Sentence for Two Joints of Pot.

March 4th, 2015

Netanyahu Urges Additional Sanctions on Iran: ‘The Ten Plagues’

 

Netanyahu

“I Think The Key Plague Is Really Locusts. Have You Ever Tried To Enrich Uranium With Those Little Buggers Up Your Ass?”

The Ten Plagues — Locusts

March 3rd, 2015

Jewish Dems Take Compromise ‘Stand’ at Bibi’s Congressional Speech

SCHUMER

“WE DIDN’T KNOW WHETHER TO SIT OR STAND AT THE APPLAUSE LINES, SO WE JUST ‘PASSED OVER’ THE WHOLE PROBLEM BY LISTENING IN A RECLINING POSITION.”

March 1st, 2015

Bill O’Reilly’s Latest Scandal: Overhypes His Coverage of the War on Xmas

http://static6.businessinsider.com/image/52b99a5769bedd35628be062/why-the-religious-right-is-losing-the-war-on-christmas.jpg

“DON’T BELIEVE THOSE OUTRAGEOUS LIES. I WASN’T JUST COVERING STREET PROTESTS ON FIFTH AVENUE, I WAS ACTUALLY IN SAKS FIFTH AVENUE WHEN THE SALESGIRL SPRAYED ME WITH COLOGNE AND SAID ‘HAPPY HOLIDAYS‘.”

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